OLD SLUDGEBURY, Mass. – In the wake of Foxboro's rejection of a proposed gambling casino across the street from Gillette Stadium and Newton's decision to fund its schools by selling naming rights to anyone with a wad of honeybees, Old Sludgebury Mayor for Life James X. “Jimbo” Burke has come up with a scheme combining what he termed “the best elements of both plans.”

Seeking funds to rebuild the existing Old Sludgebury High School, which had been condemned in 1972 due to a roof collapse said to be unrelated to the city's 50-year “no maintenance” policy, the Mayor announced that he would team up with Steve Wynn to build a combined gambling casino and high school on eighty acres of downtown land owned by the Burke Redevelopment Company. The land, which had been occupied by the Sludge River Asbestos Mill, had previously been the site of prior redevelopment schemes, including a planned casino with the Scratchaticket Indians and a failed film studio project.

The planned casino resort/high school would be built on land cleared 20 years ago by the Old Sludgebury Redevelopment Authority and sold for $1 to the Burke Development Company

The Mayor said the construction of a state-of-the-art gambling casino with over 10,000 slot machines, two hundred table games, ten 24-a-day bars, a thousand-room hotel, and over 50 stores and restaurants represented a “natural fit” with the city's need for a new high school. He said that including a high school in the massive complex “would barely be noticed.” He also said that Steve Wynn would underwrite the school's lapsed vocational education program and train the students for high-paying careers in professions such as cocktail waitress, bartender, dealer, croupier, and pole dancer.

He said the new high school facility would be “far superior” to the current high school, located in a former Bradlees Department Store on the Old Sludgebury By-Pass. According to the Mayor, the $2 billion cost of building the combined casino-hotel-condo-high school structure would be borne by Steve Wynn, which, following in the footsteps of the Wynn and the Wynn Encore, the tycoon has dubbed the “Wynn Genug.”

Although the famed casino mogul could not be present at the news conference because he does not mingle with the peasantry, he did provide a video overview in which he promised to “build the best f****in' casino your s**thole town has ever seen and if you're too f****in' stupid to take advantage of it I'll take it to the next s***thole down and you can go piss in your pants.”

Mayor Burke said the laboratories, gymnasia, theaters, computer labs, cafeterias, and other fripperies would be paid for not by the city, but through the sale of naming rights. The Mayor said that the city's finances remained straitened by voter opposition to property tax overrides and the cost of special disability pensions to the 600 teachers who had claimed a debilitating allergy to chalk dust.

“How much would a local business pay for the privilege of putting their name on a football stadium or library?” Burke asked, promising that Burke Discount Liquors would pay up to $50,000 for naming rights to the auto shop. He said he was in the process of asking for contributions from firms with an interest in reaching out to high school students, and displayed mockups of the Coors Light Chemistry Lab, the Marlboro Health Center, the Fleet Enema Dance Studio, the Steroid Crunch Supplements Gym, and the Hostess Twinkies Cafeteria.

Mayor Burke's Special Assistant for Affairs [Surely, Educational Affairs? – Ed.], Bree Nussbaum, was put in charge of organizing an informational session in Las Vegas for those interested in buying naming rights to parts of the new high school

“We'll be holding an information meeting in the Hidden Assets Suite of the Wynn Las Vegas next weekend to attract the attention of interested firms,” the Mayor promised, thanking Steve Wynn, whom he unfortunately referred to as a “far-sighted benefactor,” for comping the whole junket. He introduced his personal assistant for gaming and educational affairs, Ms. Bree Nussbaum, whom he said he had placed in charge of the whole weekend. “I promise anyone who attends that the weekend will blow their socks off,” the Mayor said.

Reaction to the Mayor's bold casino-education plan was generally favorable. Bags O'Blather, proprietor of The Chicken Pit on the old Fall River Post Road and head of the powerful anti-tax citizen's group, Citizens for No Taxation, said that she and her fellow CNT's had no trouble with the idea of a casino “as long as we don't have to pay for it and I get a dollar-a-year lease for a Chicken Pit next to the penny slots.”

The head of the Old Sludgebury Teachers' Union, Ms. Randi Ferbissiner, said that the partnership with Wynn casinos showed that teachers were willing to work with the public on innovative educational reforms as long as they were able to retire at 50 and collect their highest salary forever. “And no co-pays on the plastic surgery either,” said the surprisingly youthful looking Ms. Ferbissiner.

However, a few dissenting voices were heard. Ms. Bella Whiner, of the Spy's city staff, said: “What does this say about a society when we subject our children not only to shameless commercialism in the public sphere but also the distraction and frankly the false values of a casino which makes millions by fleecing clueless gamblers?"

"Why can't we pay for a real school by passing a debt exclusion override and limiting these ridiculous gold-plated pension giveaways?” she bitched.

Bella said that she was forming a coalition to stop the casino-high school project and that anyone who wanted to join her should contact her at [Remainder of article cut for space reasons – Ed.]

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