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Volume CCXXXV, Number 101   November 4, 2005 

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TMS: Mr. Bloviator, we’re pleased that you have agreed to enlighten us on the current situation here in Washington.

DB: This must be a great pleasure for you. And you have chosen a critical time for our nation and the Bush Presidency, both of which face challenges I can only describe as daunting.

TMS: Could they also be described as formidable?

DB: They could, but I prefer daunting. A formidable challenge would be filling this empty glass with Chivas on the rocks.

TMS: What is the mood at the White House?

DB: White House insiders state that the President is determined to put the past behind him.

TMS: Well, where else would they put it?

DB: Are you insinuating that my inside sources are being less than candid?

TMS: Wasn’t one of them just indicted for perjury?

DB: I would never reveal my sources, no matter how many federal crimes he or she committed in my presence. That’s the first rule of journalism. The second rule is not to let your pundit die of thirst. Just take this glass up to the bar and get it refilled like a good fellow.

TMS: [returning] Here you are, Mr. Bloviator.

DB: Now where were we?

TMS: You were talking about what kind of a time it is for President Bush.

DB: It is a time of testing. It is a critical time for the Bush Administration, when the President must either seize the initiative or risk being labeled a lame duck.

TMS: How has the indictment of Scooter Libby affected this White House?

DB: My sources tell me that President Bush is determined to stay the course.

TMS: Isn’t that a sign of stubbornness?

DB: From January 20, 2001 to around Labor Day of this year, it was a sign of President Bush’s steely determination and resolve. Now it’s just a sign of stubbornness.

TMS: What has changed?

DB: Dammit, man, are you listening to me? The President’s former steely determination and resolve has become mere stubbornness.

TMS: But that's just different words for the same behavior, with the formerly adulatory language replaced by pejorative terms.

DB: And your point is?

TMS:  Let’s talk about the war in Iraq. How is it going?

DB: The war in Iraq is not going well. In fact my sources are now calling it a quagmire.

TMS: Were they the same sources who assured us that Saddam Hussein was an imminent threat to the United States due to his nonexistent weapons of mass destruction?

DB: Of course they were. But the war has entered a new phase.

TMS: The phase we’re losing?

DB: My highly-placed Pentagon sources assure us we’re making progress.

TMS: Haven’t they been saying the same thing since the insurgency began?

DB: And we’ve been making progress since then. Look at the elections.

TMS: What about them? It seems like the Sunnis don’t want any part of the Shiite-Kurd plan for a loose federal state.

DB: The elections are milestones on the road to freedom.

TMS: When does the road reach freedom?

DB: Dammit, man, you’re asking for timetables.  That would give the terrorists just what they’re looking for.

TMS: Recently American military deaths in Iraq reached 2,000. Wasn’t that also a milestone?

DB: That is a meaningless number.  Just look at real numbers: 1,238 miles of electric wire repaired, 2,500 shares traded on the Baghdad Stock Exchange in the last year, 160,000 Iraqi defense forces trained –

TMS: Trained? Reports in the field suggest they fire their weapons randomly and run away at the first sign of resistance.

DB: That’s progress. For a long time they didn’t even know how to fire their weapons. Now that they know how to fire them, we can teach them how to aim.

TMS: Let’s move on. How would you size up Judge Alito?

DB: Judge Alito is a firm opponent of judicial activism. He knows the difference between judging and legislating.

TMS: But he voted to overturn acts of Congress that sought to extend family leave to state employees and regulate the sale of machine guns. Isn’t that judicial activism?

DB: Of course not. That is principled conservatism and strict construction.

TMS: Is it also principled conservatism to require a woman to inform her husband before she seeks an abortion?

DB: My White House sources say that he has not taken a position on Roe v. Wade.

TMS: His own mother says he’s against abortion.

DB: It’s all part of the White House grand strategy to shore up the President's base and reassure the nation.

TMS: That he’s a narrow-minded reactionary?

DB: No, you presumptuous pup. That he is in control and on message.

TMS: How can he persuade us that he’s in control when his last judicial nominee was humiliatingly rejected by his own party and his war in Iraq consumes American life and treasure with no end in sight?

DB: When you’ve been in Washington as long as I have, you’ll understand.

TMS: Thank you, Mr. Bloviator.