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Volume CCXXXV, Number 103   November 17, 2005 

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West of Here:

SCHWARZENEGGER
TO FACE NEW FOE

By Roscoe Arbuckle
West Coast Bureau Chief

SACRAMENTO, California – His popularity plummeting in the wake of voters' rejection of his union-busting, nurse-bashing initiatives, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger was bloodied by yet another rapier-like thrust this week, with the announcement that one of California's most legendary populist leaders had thrown his trademark black hat into the ring.

The state's Democrats, casting about for a strong, charismatic leader who could rally the public, while appealing to California's large Hispanic vote, are close to uniting around a single candidate to take on Arnold in next year's gubernatorial election: Zorro.

"Zorro has always been interested in the political process," explained his "close adviser," Central Valley farmer Alejandro de la Vega. "Whenever the people have needed his help to throw off their oppressors and restore democracy, Zorro has been there," he explained.

The intrepid sword-fighter, who comes out of the night when the full moon is bright, is expected to appeal to women and Hispanics, two key voting blocs. California Democrats also anticipate that his reputation of fighting for the poor and downtrodden, not to mention his snappy black cape, will appeal to African-American voters as well.

"We need a bold renegade who carves a Z with his blade," exclaimed actor Warren Beatty, who had been rumored to be interested in the nomination himself. However, Beatty has told friends that he will defer to the fox, because he is "so cunning and free."

Another rumored celebrity candidate was forced to terminate his exploratory efforts when questions were raised about his relationship with his young "ward." "His name recognition was off the charts," said one California political insider, "but, let's face it, he had a bit of a Michael Jackson problem."

Schwarzenegger's political team are rumored to be concerned about a Zorro bid for the Governor's Mansion. They fear that the flabby orange-haired former movie star and boy toy is no match for Zorro's slashing blade. The Governor, however, has told insiders that if Zorro makes one move in his direction, he'll "terminate" him.

The steroid-addled incumbent is expected to attack Zorro as politically untested and an unstable loner. However, his re-election team admits that the former bodybuilder will have a hard time arguing that Californians should vote against someone just because he is a political neophyte.

Already Zorro has received strong backing from California's politically-powerful teachers' and nurses' unions. "Wherever there is injustice, Zorro will fight," said Ernesto Chavez, spokesman for the state's teachers. "And as long as the evil supplement-gobbling Schwarzenegger remains in power, there will be injustice aplenty."

"The people of California are suffering terribly under the cruel foreign domination of the evil Austrian prince," de la Vega told the Spy. "Zorro will liberate California from the Teutonic yoke so that the people can live in peace and prosperity."

Zorro, who is rumored to have a considerable fortune of his own, is expected to have no difficulty raising money, due to his long-standing relationships with the Los Angeles move and television production businesses. "He's made a fortune for us," said ousted Disney supremo Michael Eisner. "Now Zorro needs our help and we will stand at his side," Eisner vowed.

His views were echoed by influential gangsta rap star P. Diddy: "The dude has style. Me and my bitches are with Zorro."