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Volume CCXXXV, Number 107  December 15, 2005 

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EDITORS' NOTE: The following balanced and objective news article may have been prepared with some incidental assistance and support from the U.S. Department of Defense.

ATTACK OF THE CALIPHATE!  

The infernal Al-Qaeda seeks to enslave us!

We must all defend Christendom!

Terrorists plan evil Muslim empire from Casablanca to Calcutta!

Then they will swarm over our pitifully unguarded borders!

Your daughters will be ravished by slavering bearded and turbaned maniacs!

Fortunately your President has a plan to save civilization!

★★★★★★★★★★★★★

President's bold, brave victory plan threatened by subversive Nervous Nellies: Democrats!

By Karen Ryan and Jeff Gannon
Independent Journalists

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Islamic terrorists are seeking to establish a heathen caliphate that would stretch from Morocco to Malaysia.

Only one man has the courage and the wisdom to stop this evil plan: President George W. Bush! His brilliant strategy of fighting the bearded devils in Iraq, rather than waiting for them to swim across the Rio Grande, has stymied the nefarious forces of the caliphate, allowing the billion-plus Muslims to enjoy the benefits of living in free, democratic states like Sudan, Libya, Egypt and Saudi Arabia.

In an exclusive interview with Vice President Dick Cheney [Of course it would be exclusive. He doesn't talk to real journalists. – Copy Ed.][Stop talking like that or we'll all be in trouble – Ed.] at his undisclosed Fortress of Solitude, we asked him the tough questions about the specter of an evil Islamic empire covering over half the globe.

Asked how real the threat was, Cheney told us, "Frankly, the threat is very real. I've rewritten [Surely, reviewed? – Copy Ed.] intelligence that strongly suggests that there is an international cabal of Islamic terrorists who seek to rule the world."

When we asked him if the war in Iraq was the central front of the fights against this global jihad, Cheney replied, "Frankly, I'm glad you asked. The answer is yes."

Responding to our question of whether criticism of the President's wise and peace-loving conduct of the war for Iraq played into the hands of this nefarious conspiracy, Cheney told us: "Frankly, yes. While there is a time and place for free debate, it is irresponsible of the Democrats to give aid and comfort to this world-wide network of Muslim malefactors."

Cheney also told us that United States and its coalition partners were making great strides in winning the war against this terrorist caliphate. "Frankly, we're making great strides against what I can only term as a terrorist caliphate. Just look at how much progress we've made: two years ago, Halliburton hadn't earned a single dollar in Iraq. Now they're in for four or five billion."

We then asked the Vice President if victory was certain. He replied: "That is an excellent question. Frankly, the answer is yes. The only way they can defeat our magnificent fighting men is if they are stabbed in the back by gloom-and-doom defeatists." Reminded that women were also fighting in Iraq, the Vice President grumbled affably: "Women, too."

The Vice President assured us that the morale of our armed forces in Iraq was "magnificent." He said that he had enjoyed his recent 30 minute visit to the troops, and that he hoped to spend more time with them soon, as soon as he could do so without being blown to bits.

Our far-flung correspondents on the ground in Iraq confirmed the astuteness of the Vice President's statements. "We are making great progress in Iraq. Please don't let the gloom-and-doom defeatists condemn us to the tyranny of the international extremist-Islam conspiracy," said a man in the street in Baghdad.

In Mosul, another man in another street told an independent journalist: "We are making great progress in Iraq. Please don't let the gloom-and-doom defeatists condemn us to the tyranny of the international extremist-Islam conspiracy." And wouldn't you know it, a third man in Fallujah said the same thing, adding only: "Now will you muzzle the dogs?"

Invoice #3345656 to Department of Defense: for publishing article in Massachusetts Spy, $1,250,000. [Isn't this supposed to be in a separate file? – Ed.] Please remit to the order of Lincoln Group.