Volume CCXXXVI, Number 111 January 14, 2006

City without Shame

THE TEACHINGS
OF REB ABRAMOFF

Editors' Note: Wonder how Jack Abramoff is filling the time between his arias to the Grand Jury? Wonder no longer. The New York Times reported on January 10 that the frummie fraudmeister "has been writing a commentary on the Torah." The Spy has been able to obtain a few gleanings from the pen of this latter-day Maimonides for the spiritual edification of you, the reader. Read and learn, for the study of Torah is the equal of swindling any number of Indian tribes.

day when they were in pain, Simeon and Levi, two of Jacob's sons, brothers of Dinah, came upon the city unmolested, and slew all the males. ²⁶They put Hamor and his son Shechem to the sword, took Dinah out of Shechem's house, and went away. ²⁷The other sons of Jacob came upon the slain and plundered the town,

Genesis 34 continued.

Note that in this tale, the Israelites play a little trick on the Hivites (just like me and the stupid f****in' Indians), who have come to put the fix in to patch up a little incident of badda-bing with Dinah. Her brothers demand that they circumcise themselves (and that's gotta hurt!) before they will allow Dinah to marry. While the Hivites are sitting around with ice bags in their crotches, Jacob's sons storm the town, kill the king and his son and take all the loot. This passage teaches us that to pick the pocket of your enemies, you've got to have them by the balls first.

For example, when I wanted to protect my clients' ability to import and sweat labor into the Northen Marianas without paying them the ridiculously high minimum wage of $5.15 an hour, I had to cut the nuts off of the U.S. Attorney for the territory, who was sticking his nose where it didn't belong. Fortunately, I called up a few of my buddies at the White House and that nosy-parker U.S. Attorney was investigating some badly paved parking lots in Nebraska.

The parsha also teaches us that trickery in a good cause is a mitzvah. Therefore, I shouldn't have to do hard time for forging a bank letter falsely stating that I had the millions needed to buy a South Florida gambling boat. I was buying the boat so that I could afford to establish the Yeshiva of Silver Spring for the deserving Orthodox Republican children of Montgomery County. That's why my old friend Tom DeLay was willing to speak at the fund raiser!

dislodges many nations before you – the Hittites, Girgashites, Amorites, Canaanites, Perizzites, Hivites, and Jebusites, seven nations much larger than you – ²and the Lord your God delivers them to you and you defeat them, you must doom them to destruction; grant them no terms and give them no quarter. ³You shall not intermarry with them; do not give your daughters to their sons

Deuteronomy 7

The perfect student of Torah knows that the sacred text withholds its innermost secrets from the casual reader. The true Talmud chochem must penetrate beneath the surface to understand the deeper levels of the word of YHVH (that's G*d to you, d**khead!).

In this passage, the seven defeated nations to whom no mercy can be given refer to the seven components of the Democratic Party: pinko Jews, schvartzehs, union members, ambulance chasers, Lesbians, public school teachers and Hillary Clinton. All these nations must be wiped out to bring to pass God's kingdom on earth as mediated by his princes, George W. Bush and Tom DeLay.

On another level, the descendants of these seven nations are believed to have emigrated to the United States where they are known as Indians. These tribes, too, must be plucked clean (down to their last "quarter") and their assets transferred to the Israelites, to be used for Kosher restaurants on K Street, golf outings in Scotland and other worthy purposes.

Those who fail to understand these hidden truths should, in the words of that great tzaddik Richard Cheney, go f*** themselves.

[If Maimonides is known by the acronym "Rambam" and Nachmanides as "Ramban", does that mean that Jack Abramoff will be known as "Jackoff?" – Copy Ed.][That's quite enough – Ed.]

EVEN THE SHEEP ARE SMARTER IN ISRAEL

When I arrived at Mitzpe Hayamim, the first of three [Israeli] spas I would visit on my recent trip, I was hot, dirty [Too much information – Ed.] and frustrated . . . .

After a shower [See previous comment – Ed.], I had my first taste of what Mizpe Hayamim is most famous for: the organic kitchen. . . .

The next day, we hiked into the fields to see the vegetables as well as the goats, sheep and cows producing the varied cheeses, yogurts and ice cream.

– The New York Times, November 6, 2005, Sec. 5 at 10.