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Editors' Note: It's award season: the Golden Globes, the Oscars, even the Slag [Surely, SAG? – Copy Ed.] Awards. But the most-anticipated of them all, awarded each year since 1770, is, of course:
Every spring for the last 236 years, The Massachusetts Spy has awarded its coveted (so to speak) Schondeh von der Goyim Award (pictured above) to those members of the Hebrew persuasion who have done the most to embarrass their coreligionists during the preceding year. Past winners of this coveted not-American idol have included notables such as Roy Cohn, Norman Podhoretz, Lucianne Goldberg and Judah Benjamin. Without further ado, we're immensely not proud to present the Golden Calves this year to:
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Jack Abramoff
For showing the Gentiles the finally-calibrated moral compass of today's modern Orthodox, young Republican division, including bribing congressmen at his glatt-Kosher restaurant and skimming off millions from his hapless Native American clients to fund a yeshiva in Silver Spring, Reb Abramoff has richly earned his Golden Calf. Even after fingering half a dozen other reactionary hacks, we'll bet that he'll have at least seven to ten years to admire his totem at leisure. Sadly, good behavior, while it may ensure a blissful eternity in the Next World, doesn't count for much under federal sentencing guidelines. At least the long-suffering Nation of Israel can rest assured that under Bureau of Prisons regulations, Jack's going to have to lose that fedora.
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Daryn Kagan
Maybe the goyim aren't shocked by the mental picture of the well-bronzed anchorwoman allowing reactionary blowhard Rush Limbaugh to crush her under his porcine drug-addled body and insinuate his tiny pink (and quite possibly uncircumcised) member between her toned thighs, but we sure are. We understand that Beverly Hills High School and Stanford University don't teach you about the dangers of consorting with shkutzim (rather the opposite), but there's no reason to debase yourself just because you've reached the old 4-0 without a suitable husband. Late rumor has it that she's sent Limbaugh and his anal cysts packing but doing the nasty even once with the revolting Rushbo well earns Mr. Cohen's great-granddaughter her Golden Calf, the hard way.
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Where are the shikses?
Irving L. Libby, Jr.
There's no doubt that the landsman known as Scooter merits his Golden Calf. The only question that divided our judges was why: did he publicly disgrace his people more shamefully through his crimes against humanity, his crimes under federal law, or his crimes against literature? Proponents of the last position insist that no shayna Yid, not even 1997 winner Woody Allen, would ever publish a book involving bear-on-child rape. On the other hand, his pimping and lying for an unnecessary war of choice that has killed thousands and left thousands others permanently maimed could hardly be called bupkis. As for his violations of federal law, his defense – that he was so busy planning war crimes he had no idea whether or not he was telling the truth – ought to give you a pretty clear idea of the strength of the Special Prosecutor's case. Were all of that not miserable enough, Irv might have earned a Golden Calf just for trying desperately to pass by adopting the ridiculously faux-goyisch nickname of "Scooter."
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Volume CCXXXVI, Number 114 February 4, 2006
