The Massachusetts Spy Volume CCXXXVI, Number 115  February 11, 2006 

 

New media shocker . . .

'OPRAH WINFREY'
OUTED AS FRAUD

Former football great William 'the Refrigerator' Perry

Perry

By W. R. Hearst of the Board of Editors with
Nollie Tangere '02 in Old Sludgebury

CHICAGO, Ill. – The media world, already reeling from the revelations that creative writer James Frey had invented large parts of his memoirs and that supposed writer JT Leroy was the entirely fictive creation of a wannabe screenwriter, was shocked again today by revelations that the Queen of All Media, "Oprah Winfrey," was also an invented character.

According to well-placed sources at the disgraced New York publishing house of Random House, the firm will soon publish a sensational book alleging that "Oprah Winfrey" is not a self-made self-motivated empowering black woman, but rather former Chicago Bears star and Super Bowl MVP William "the Refrigerator" Perry in drag.

Sources close to Random House state that they have "incontrovertible proof" that the former football legend had decided to embark on a career as a cross-dressing talk show host sometime in the early 1980's. The tell-all book, penned by famous White House journalist Jeff Gannon with research assistance from journalist Karen Ryan, explains that Perry was despondent over the end of his football career.

Further, Gannon and Ryan allege, the high powered steroids that Perry took during his NFL career caused his gonads to shrivel into oblivion, leaving Perry with no option but to embark on a new career as a woman. "Some athletes can't accept stepping out of the limelight and resort to drastic measures to retain their celebrity status," explained a Random House editor who demanded anonymity so that she and her husband Gay would not be further humiliated at Zabar's.

While some may be critical of Perry's decision to respond to his football retirement by launching a 20-year deception, the anonymous editor remarked: "Hey, it beats murdering your ex-wife and her new lover."

The legendary Oprah Winfrey

Winfrey

The sensational revelations come at a time when "Winfrey's" fame, prestige and influence have reached new highs, culminating with her signing a $55 million satellite radio deal.

It's not known what effect if any the news that "Winfrey" is in fact a male ex-NFL star will have on her predominantly female fan base. A sampling of local residents revealed a diversity of views. Mrs Mary T. Burke of Old Sludgebury told a reporter that "it just shows what a determined woman can do when she puts her mind to it. Now, I gotta get to the Powerball machine before the drawing tonight." Old Sludgebury fireman James X. Burke [Can't Nollie ever get anyone else for quotes? – Ed.] said that the guys at the station weren't surprised. "Anyway, we don't watch Oprah any more now that we got an unscrambler box for the Jugs Channel. Come by later and check it out."

Attempts to track down Perry-"Winfrey" for comment have proven difficult, although the new book quotes him as admitting to the decades-long impersonation. "It don't make no difference, though. I'm all for empowering the ho's and stuff," he is supposed to have told the authors.

If that were not enough, rumors flew at week's end that Random House had signed best-selling author Jenna Jamison to pen a biography of right-wing insult comic Ann Coulter, in which Jamison is expected to charge that Coulter is really video fitness guru John Basedow in drag. Said the anonymous editor: "It's obvious once you look at the photos."

HEY, ANYONE WHO EVER SPENT FIVE MINUTES ON A TRADING FLOOR COULD HAVE TOLD YOU THAT

LONDON - “Wanted: psychopaths to make a killing in the markets.”

Such an advert will not be appearing in the world’s newspapers any time soon, but it may have a ring of truth after research revealed the best wheeler-dealers could well be “functional psychopaths.”

A team of U.S. scientists has found the emotionally impaired are more willing to gamble for high stakes and that people with brain damage may make good financial decisions, the Times newspaper reported Monday.

In a study of investors’ behavior 41 people with normal IQs were asked to play a simple investment game. Fifteen of the group had suffered lesions on the areas of the brain that affect emotions.

The result was those with brain damage outperformed those without.

The scientists found emotions led some of the group to avoid risks even when the potential benefits far outweighed the losses, a phenomenon known as myopic loss aversion.

One of the researchers, Antione Bechara, an associate professor of neurology at the University of Iowa, said the best stock market investors might plausibly be called “functional psychopaths.”

Fellow author, Baba Shiv of Stanford Graduate School of Business said many company chiefs and top lawyers may also show they share the same trait . . . .  [No shit, Sherlock – Ed.]

– Reuters, via MSNBC.com, Sept. 19, 2005