The Massachusetts Spy Volume CCXXXVI, Number 117  March 8, 2006 

Sox equipment truck is loaded up and ready to go
Red sox front office ace Ben Cherington was entrusted with the vital task of ensuring that the equipment truck was properly loaded and pointed in the direction of Fort Myers, Florida.

Face the Red Sox Nation:

WHO'S ON FIRST?
SECOND? THIRD?

By Sisyphus
Baseball Editor

As the yearly triumph of hope over experience better known as spring training gets underway in Fort Myers, the Red Sox are working hard to spin the story that the team has all the making of a breakfast of champions: Coco Crisp in centerfield and Froot Loops in the front office.

Last fall's ignominious playoff collapse triggered the usual frantic round of off-season melodrama. First Theo was gone, replaced by a couple of minor leaguers to be named later. Then Theo was back. Larry Lucchino's explanation: Just kidding.

Then Johnny Damon took the money and ran to the South Bronx, where the players are expensive and life is cheap. Here's betting that the lushly-reupholstered Mrs. Damon will be traded for a trio of nineteen-year-old minor leaguers from Bensonhurst before the season is over. Here's also betting that Damon, aging shoulder and all, will prove to have picked Pardon-Me Steinbrenner's pocket as effectively as Ruben Sierra.

In response to the loss of their offensively-minded center fielder, the front office decided in its wisdom to replace the entire infield with supposed defensive stars. Translated into English, this means that the Red Sox lineup will boast three, count 'em three, hitters that can do any damage.

And if we're unlucky, the offense could be the best thing about the team this year, assuming that Manny Ramirez decides not to play for the Zontar All-Stars.

The pitching features two mighty-lame stars: Curt Schilling and Keith Foulke. What do you think the chances are that even one of them can repeat their 2004 performance? If you believe that, perhaps you'll believe that Iraq is the central front in the war against terrorism.

The Sox are promoting pickup Josh Beckett (15-8 and 3.38 last year with the Marlins) as their new ace. If Schilling is really cooked, Wells here in body only and Clement a 4.57 journeyman, we fear that the front office is right.

As for the bullpen, if Foulke is truly foulked-up, it's going to be another nauseating ride on Theo Epstein's Closer-Go-Round. Would you call on Papelbon with a one-run lead over Chicago in the deciding game of the ALCS?

By comparison, the White Sox look mighty tough and the Blue Jays' pitching is impressive. As for the Great Yankee Juggernaut, it, like the cars stolen from Yankee Stadium parking lots, appears to have run into a ditch and burned.

The South Bronx lineup looks OK and the left half of the infield better than that, but with the Yankees' pitching staff, we'd suggest that they put in a bid to buy Ben-Gay from Pfizer. Their starting rotation gives new meaning to the sobriquet "old tosser." Of course, if the starters swoon on schedule, old George will be happy to open his bottomless wallet for anyone with a live arm. Roger Clemens? David Wells? Maybe Manny can pitch a few innings.

Now, if Schilling and Foulke throw like it's 2004, and if Coco Crisp can really set the table for a healthy breakfast and if Beckett, Clement and Wakefield can notch some quality innings, the playoffs are not out of the Sox's grasp.

We admit it: we don't have a good feeling about the 2006 Olde Towne Team. If the Red Sox front office can't even sort out its own roster, how the hell can it put together a lineup that can bring back a World Championship after a one-year draught?

Answer: they can't.

But we like the sound of the question.

Two out of three, baby

Editors' Note: A number of fans expressed disappointment over the news that the Spy had parted company with long-time baseball correspondent Shill Shamelessly during the off season. However, Shill has dropped his ridiculous salary demands [Surely, reconsidered the situation? – Ed.] and we are therefore pleased to welcome him back for another hard-hitting season of fearless baseball coverage.

PAIL O' MUCK PARK, Florida – It's been a tumultuous off season, but with Theo Epstein back at the helm and yours truly back at the trough [Surely, typewriter? – Ed.], all's right in Red Sox Nation.

Take it from ol' Shill: this team is going back to The Show.  The big hoss, Curt Schilling, will be back throwing flame and he'll be ably supported by Clement, Beckett and Papelbon, a versatile sprout who can also double as middle reliever, closer and peanut vendor.

Shrewd whiz kid Theo Epstein knew that the money demanded by sore-shouldered Johnny Damon could be better spent on defensive infielders, not to mention free corned-beef sandwiches and frosty-cold Buds for the hard- working members of the baseball press.  Amen to that, Theo (as your people might say)!

Ol' Shill will be the first to admit that there are a few question marks in the Sox lineup. He's especially concerned about the attitude of some highly-paid superstars who'd rather play in the Bronx and are much too important to agree to even a modest interview with the dean of the Boston baseball press. [Ramirez stiffed Gammons? – Ed.]   

But let's not dwell on a few prima donnas who think that just because they make $17 million a year they're too good to speak to ol' Shill. Let's talk about the warm and friendly welcome the good folks of Florida have given to the Shillmeister.

Speaking of which, a special tip of the baseball cap to the Alligator County Sheriff who at first said that ol' Shill seemed a little too "happy" driving home from the 4 to midnight happy hour at Cleo's Conch Bucket on US 41.  

Once he recognized the grand old man of the Hub's baseball scribes, Alligator County's finest gave ol' Shill a ride back to the trailer park. Thanks, friend, and your passes are at the will call!

Now I know there's a lot of whining in freezing cold Boston about the modest increases in ticket prices this year, but down here in sunny Florida, I say: money can't buy happiness, but it sure can rent some, whether at friendly Fenway or from the even-friendlier gals at the Alligator Alley Gentlemen's Club. [That's enough Shill – Ed.]. 

Next week: Ace baseball columnist Shill Shamelessly surveys the young prospects off  [Surely, on? – Ed.] the field.

THOSE WHO CAN, DO.  THOSE WHO CAN'T, TEACH

Kathy Ireland discusses the National Family Reading Night program on "The Tony Danza Show.”

– Cutline in The Glob, Jan. 16, 2006, Sidekick at 5.