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Volume CCXXXVI, Number 118  March 15, 2006 

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Al Kaida

Although claiming to be an Afghan sheepherder, alert DoD commandos recognized this individual as the eponymous leader of the al-Qaeda organization. Asked to explain why a worldwide terror network would be named after an innocent shepherd, Kaida did not respond, even when attacked by dogs of the Douglas Feith Interrogation Team and smeared with fake menstrual blood. In addition, alert Rumsfeld Battalion interrogators understood that al-Qaeda operatives often claim to be engaged in innocent pursuits when captured. But don't be duped: DoD officials estimate that a sheep stuffed with radioactive plutonium and smuggled into Houston, Texas could cause in excess of one million casualties.

Al Franken

Notorious spewer of anti-American propaganda. Has given aid and comfort to terrorists by claiming that detainees were treated cruelly just because they were held upside down and subjected to water torture [Surely, waterboarding? -- Ed.].  Wears type of footwear (Nike sneakers) often worn by known al-Qaeda operatives.  Claims he was engaged only in peaceful protest, a common al-Qaeda dodge. In time of war, forward-leaning DoD interrogators cannot accept unsubstantiated assertions of nonviolent dissent.

Aluf Kramden
and id-Norton

Terrorist duo captured in Afghanistan claiming to be innocent bus driver and sewer worker. US Army Special Forces on the ground in Afghanistan confirm that there are no buses or sewers anywhere in the country. While both are regarded as extremely violent and dangerous terrorists, the first-named detainee has frequently threatened to send U.S. interrogators "to the moon." The second detainee has been frequently overheard urging the first detainee to commence a hunger strike, a standard al-Qaeda incitement tactic in violation of camp regulations. Like virtually all al-Qaeda operatives, both detainees keep their head covered.

Qa'allin
Pa-il

Dangerous terrorist captured attempting to infiltrate the Pentagon and other sensitive national security installations. Admitted to extensive military and command experience. Unable to explain classified U.S. intel in his possession or his insistence that Saddam Hussein had no weapons of mass destruction. Confidential intelligence in the files of Dick Cheney confirms that detainees has encouraged his foot soldiers to commence disinformation campaign to persuade Americans that the Iraq Front of the Endless Global War on Terrorism is a pointless waste of U.S. lives and resources. Believed to be a member of minority group often associated with protest and support of subversive activities. Kept in strict isolation to avoid infecting other detainees with his sick, twisted views.