Volume CCXXXII, Number 21        May, 2002      




help maureen find a hubby

From our Society Editor

Now that everyone's favorite newsgal -- the New York Times' Maureen Dowd -- has finally admitted that there's no one special in her life, it's time for all of us as a public service to pitch [Don't you mean pitch in? -- Ed.] and find the perfect soulmate for Ms. Dowd. Especially now that she's told the world that men, beasts that they are, are intimidated by powerful, glamorous women like Katharine Hepburn or -- Maureen. As a man, we couldn't take this challenge lying down, especially as there was no football game on.

As our contribution to this worthy enterprise, we have chosen four candidates, three of whom appear to be rich, powerful and famous enough for Maureen. The fourth might actually be interested in marrying her. After you've carefully considered all four nominees, tell Maureen which one you think is just right for her. She's waiting to hear from you. And once she chooses her Mr. Right, perhaps she'll take a warmer view of the male gender.
Can't you imagine Maureen Dowd as a blushing bride? If you can't, she can!
Gregory Peck


Pros:
  • Movie star
  • Handsome, or at least he was in the 1950's
  • Older fella

  • Interested in politics, we think
Cons:
  • He might be dead [Factcheckers, please confirm he is still with us -- Ed.][Due to recent economic conditions, we have had to rightsize the factchecking cost center -- Pub.]
  • He might be married [I guess we'll never know -- Ed.]
Charlton Heston



Pros:
  • Another handsome, somewhat older movie star, just the way Maureen likes 'em
  • Very interested in politics
  • Seems like a nice guy for a whack job

Cons:
  • Those teeth don't look real to us [Neither do yours -- Ed.]
  • Any bullets left in his gun?

Bill Clinton


Pros:
  • You know those nasty columns were really mash notes.
  • Tall, handsome, loves politics
  • Likes 'em feisty and a tad zaftig
Cons:
  • Isn't he married? [Without factcheckers, how are we supposed to know? -- Ed.]
  • Does Maureen like cigars?
  • Is he really ready to settle down?
Jimmy Burke

Pros:
  • Pulled down $250K last year as independent financial planner
  • Had a crush on Maureen since their days at A.U.
  • Owns his own four-bedroom raised rambler in Annandale
  • Loves children
Cons:
  • Losing his hair
  • Slight Warshington accent
  • Thinks Gridiron Dinner means tailgating at the Redskins
  • Not a movie star or Senator


Let's all help Maureen by choosing one of these promising lads as her betrothed. Don't waste time with us; send your votes directly to Maureen Dowd at

Maureen Dowd
Office of the Columnist
The New York Times
National Press Club
Washington, D.C.
(Multiple ballots will be discarded and really p.o. Maureen)

CAN'T SLIP ANYTHING PAST THE U.S. DEPARTMENT OF LABOR


LABOR DEPT. QUESTIONS ENRON'S TRUTHFULNESS

– Headline in The Times, April 19, 2002 at C1.