The masses cheer for their champion, Hank Paulson
Man of the People
We're just wild
about Hank P.
By Political Editor David Bloviator
and Financial Editor Samuel Insull
with Maria Boroaroma in New York and Nollie Tangere '03 in Old Sludgebury
WASHINGTON, D.C. – His favorability ratings hovering between Carrot Top and onychomycosis, President George W. Bush sought to ignite support for his administration by offering the job of Treasury Secretary to the people's choice, Goldman Sachs Chairman and CEO Henry P. Paulson.
Bush had sought a more charismatic and appealing figure to replace outgoing Secretary of the Treasury John Snow, whose bedraggled manner led Washingtonians to refer to him as the Willy Loman of tax cuts.
The charm and warmth of Hank Paulson is expected to melt the gloom in Washington and around the country.
"If you really want to appeal to the average American struggling with $3 a gallon gas, disappearing jobs, stagnant real wages and inadequate health insurance, there's no one better than Hank Paulson," explained White House Chief of Staff and former Goldman bag-carrier Josh Bolten. "They see Paulson and think, I too could someday make $38 million a year and have a net worth of more than $700,000,000."
Bolten, who may also have improved his chances for landing a cushy job at Goldman as his payoff [Surely, thanks? – Ed.] for clearing the way for high-level promotions at Paulson's former firm, was instrumental in persuading the affable, charming financier to join the Bush team. Paulson, known to all but his subordinates as "Hank", has been credited with helping Goldman Sachs earn billions of dollars, mostly from proprietary self-dealing [Surely, trading? – Ed.].
His Wall Street experience is expected to provide him with an instinctive ability to explain to average Americans why capital gains tax cuts that are expected to save him millions of dollars are good for the economy. "Hell, they're good for my economy!" he boomed at a welcoming ceremony in the Rose Garden. Employing an anecdote sure to resonate with Joe Lunchbox, Paulson said he was planning to add a $5 million wing to his Nantucket beach house with the money he saved from Bush's tax cuts. "That's 15 or 20 jobs right there," he promised. Paulson didn't say how he'd spend the $48 million capital gains tax break he'll get as a rich guy who enters "public service." For more on that, click here.
Reaction to the Paulson appointment was generally favorable. In Brooklyn, gypsy cab driver Emmanuel Ramirez said "Even though he made $38 million last year, I can see he's no better than I am. That's what makes America great. By the way, Maria, you're supposed to tip a livery cab."
In Old Sludgebury, Mass., the man (and woman!) on the street hailed the Paulson nomination. "What the hell, at least he didn't sneak into this country like those goddam illegal aliens who charge me ten bucks for a manicure," commented Mrs. Kathleen T. Burke. Fireman James T. Burke said: "Seven hundred million bucks. F***in'-A, Nollie, we could have quite a weekend!"
The financial markets also reacted strongly to news of the Paulson nomination, with the Dow Jones falling over 180 points immediately after the announcement. An equally-robust NASDAQ gave up 45 points, thereby wiping out its gains for the year. Said one Wall Streeter: "Imagine what would have happened if Bush had nominated another dips**t like Snow!"
On Capitol Hill, Senators were predicting a quick and easy nomination. Senator and crackpot [Surely, crack? – Ed.] video diagnostician Bill Frist (R - Medicaid Fraud) told the Senate yesterday: "Everyone knows that what's good for Goldman Sachs is good for America."
Volume CCXXXVI, Number 128 June 2, 2006
