Long, hot summer
TERROR ALERT
RISE IS FEARED
By W.R. Hearst
Of the Board of Editors
WASHINGTON, D.C. – Hard on the heels of the Toronto arrests of alleged terrorists, experts are predicting a major outbreak of terror alerts here in the good old U.S. A.
"The American people must prepare themselves for a possible resurgence of terror alerts," said one terrorism expert who requested anonymity so that he could deny later he ever opened his mouth. "The alerts could arise from hype about foreign infiltration or home-grown terrorists." The expert based his prediction on the recent arrests in Canada and continued uncertainy over the price of oil, the war in Iraq and Republican prospects in the 2006 elections.
"The U.S. has largely been spared terror alerts since Bush dispatched Kerry," the expert told the Spy. "However, with the 2006 elections only four months away, and Republicans facing a very real possibility of losing their control of Congress, we're looking at a long hot summer of terror alerts."
"We've almost forgotten what it was like to be subjected to terror alert after terror alert," the insider said. "Most Americans don't remembert the incomprehensible color-coded levels or the sudden scary announcements from John Ashcroft that always seemed to coincide with major Kerry initiatives or bad news from the killing fields of Iraq. But, sad to say, Americans will become once more all too familiar with White House-sanctioned terror alerts this year."
Omaha's world famous Nebraska Furniture Mart will never fall victim to al-Qaeda, vows the U.S. Department of Homeland Security
The frightening specter of endless terror alerts here on U.S. soil has already had its effects. Since the Canadian arrests, George Bush's ratings have risen off the floor. The terror scare north of the border has also helped distract attention from the U.S. Marine massacre at Haditha, the inability of the Iraqi government to in fact govern and the latest effords to reward the richest 1% of Americans with $700 billion in estate tax cuts.
This time, the Bush Administration is determined not be caught by surprise by its planned upsurge in terror alerts. Just this month it announced major diversions of Homeland Security dollars from known terror targets such as New York and Washington, D.C. in favor of other localities with close election contests. [Surely, unmet security needs? – Ed.]
As a result, while New York and Washington, D.C. must scramble to protect their people and iconic monuments from possible terrorist attacks, the good people of Omaha, Nebraska will rest easy knowing that its stockyards are safe from al-Qaeda assault.
What makes Omaha such a ripe terror target? Just ask the Omahans themselves: "Omaha is a city experiencing dynamic growth. $2 billion has been spent to transform the downtown into a Midwestern oasis. New riverfront activities, a historic shopping and dining district, a modern arena and convention facility, museums, a world-class zoo, performing arts, and more make Omaha a first-class destination." No wonder the Queen City of the Missouri [Wasn't that Kansas City? – Ed.] is squarely in bin Laden's gunsights.
The need to safeguard vital navigation on the Ohio River justified taking anti-terror money from New York and giving it to Louisville, said DHS political appointees [Surely, officials? – Ed.]
In particular, Bush Administration officials were known to be very concerned about the Senate race [Surely, the Gene Leahy Mall and the Heartland of America Park and Fountain? – Ed.], and less worried about the World Trade Center site in New York. "After all, they blew that one up already," explained one Homeland Security official who requested anonymity because he realized that he sounded like a heartless schmuck.
Louisville, Kentucky was blessed with similar glad tidings. Recognizing that American landmarks such as Churchill Downs and the Jim Beam distillery were likely high on Osama bin Laden's target list, Bush regime officials increased Louisville's anti-terror grant by $3.5 million. [For further information on the winners and losers, click here. ]
One thing is clear: five years after 9/11 attacks, four years after the supposedly successful war in Afghanistan and three years after the Iraqi mission was declared accomplished, the war-weary American public faces the grim prospect of another grueling summer of terror scares.
Volume CCXXXVI, Number 129 June 9, 2006
