Volume CCXXXVI, Number 137 August 17, 2006
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Editors' Note: Perhaps you hadn't heard that edgy Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has, in an effort to refute the popular image of his country as a savage, backward theocratic shithole, started up his own blog. Other publications might give you a cheesy web link; only the Spy picks out the best of Mahmy's most recent postings so that you no longer have to wonder what's on the mind of one of the world's most vicious, if best dressed, Jew haters.
August 11, 2006 In the name of Allah, the all-mighty, all-powerful and apparently most ill-tempered, I, Allah's most humble servant, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, plug into the blogosphere.
You may know me only as the handsome, well-dressed President of Iran. Perhaps you saw me on 60 Minutes Sunday night. Wasn't I terrific? Next time, CBS, don't send a knarly old Yid to interview me. You'll get a lot more out of me if you send that fox, Katie Couric. There's a place in my harem for you, Katie! (PS to ABC: once smokin' Elizabeth Vargas drops that little infidel, she can come out to my palace for the weekend, too and get "up close and personal.") Let me tell you a little about me. I was born in a mud hut on a small dirt farm in the south of Iran. My parents were poor. How poor were they? They were so poor that instead of hamburgers we had dirtburgers. I love that one. As a young man, I was driven with a desire to go to the big city, make something of myself and kill Jews. Allah be praised – just look at me now! Today I am the very model of a modern Iranian president. I have many snappy khaki suits and a full retinue of presidential beard-trimmers. I get to go on Iranian TV whenever I want and yell and scream as much as I want. Thanks to Allah, and lots of sucking up to ayatollahs, life is good. August 13, 2006
Went out to moves last night with Wives #1, #4 and #5. Number 2 was "riding the red carpet," as we say in Teheran. Number 3 was too young to see this movie – she's only eleven. Not the crappy movies that you can see at the Death to the Jews Galleria I-IX; I mean real movies from the belly of the infidel. For those you have to get admitted to the screening room of the Supreme Council of the Revolution in Iran. Imams were screening "Pirates of the Caribbean" to confirm it would be a dangerous influence on our youth. You have to hand it to those Jews – they can really make movies. Maybe when we wipe out the Jews, we make an exception for them. But what is so hot about Keira Knightley? I don't know about you, fellow jihadist, but I like my camels to have some humps. Kapeesh? Why isn't fox Angelina Jolie in more movies? I must call my friend Mel Gibson (do you know that one of the ayatollahs said I looked like Mel? I sent him a new Mercedes!) and ask him. That is one red-hot infidel devil woman. Maybe I should invite her to Teheran. We must have some crappy orphans around here somewhere she can adopt. I'll throw a big party for her and take her to see the city of Qom, if you catch my drift. If she is not available, I will ask Eva Longoria. August 15, 2006 All hail the brave Hezbollah fighters in their struggle to vanquish the Zionist enemy! Well, the Zionist enemy isn't quite vanquished yet, but look at the glorious victory Hezbollah won – you'll see it better once they bulldoze what's left of southern Lebanon. Too bad about all those buildings and bridges and dead civilians living downstairs from fearless Hezbollah commando bases, but my check is in the mail! How I wished I could have fought side-by-side to the death with the brave Hezbollah fighters and their even braver human shields but sadly I had to stay in Teheran to discuss a deal with representatives of the Taliban's pharmaceutical division. Wrote a letter to Angelina Jolie inviting her to Teheran Film Festival. Note to self: start Teheran Film Festival. Told her that although she was infidel devil woman she was welcome in Iran any time, as my personal guest. August 16, 2006 Received delegation of Iranian nuclear scientists. We have 200 centrifuges up and spinning. At this rate we'll be able to make a nuclear bomb by – but I'm not telling you when! Let George W. Bush think we have one in my garage (between the Bugatti and the Bentley). It is hard to believe that infidel Crusaders are led by such a stupid f**k. How was he elected? And then I remembered: the same way I was! I must tell Angelina that one when I see her. I am sure she will laugh. I will impress her with my riotous sense of humor and my masculine Allah-fearing power. How much enriched uranium does Brad Pitt have? Perhaps she will become Wife #6 – the new wife always gets the Bedroom of Honor, the one with the plasma TV. Then she will not have to adopt Iranian rugrat – instead, she can bear my love – [That's really enough blog. – Ed.] |
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NEXT WEEK: HOW AMY PERSUADED HER HUSBAND TO CLEAN THE CARPET MODERN LOVE I listened, rapt, as professional trainers explained how they taught dolphins to flip and elephants to paint. Eventually it hit me that the same techniques might work on that stubborn but lovable species, the American husband. The central lesson I learned from exotic animal trainers is that I should reward behavior I like and ignore behavior I don't. After all, you don't get a sea lion to balance a ball on the end of its nose by nagging. . . . I followed the students to SeaWorld San Diego, where a dolp;hin trainer introduced me to least reinforcing syndrome (L.R.S.). When a dolphin does something wrong, the trainer doesn't respond in any way. . . . The idea is that any response, positive or negative, fuels a behavior. If a behavior provokes no response, it typically dies away. In the margins of my notes I wrote, "Try on Scott!" . . . After two years of exotic animal training, my marriage is far smoother, my husband much easier to love. – The New York Times, June 25, 2006, Sec. 9 at 7. |