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Volume CCXXXVI, Number 138 August 24, 2006 

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Historians have decided that the disparity between George W. Bush and giants like Franklin D. Roosevelt is too great to ignore.

The verdict of history:

GEORGE BUSH
IS IN A CLASS
ALL BY HIMSELF

By Charles Van Doren
Education Editor

LAS VEGAS, Nevada – A long-awaited meeting of the International Association of Historians has agreed unanimously on a world-historical reclassification of U.S. President George W. Bush.

Up to now, historians had regarded George W. Bush as one of the worst Presidents in the history of the United States, keeping company with stalwarts such as Richard M. Nixon, Millard Fillmore and Andrew Johnson.

However, after a careful study of historical records going back to 1791, historians now believe that President Bush has been misclassified.

Accordingly, at their plenary session held in Las Vegas's Venetian Hotel, itself intended to recreate 17th Century Venice, the historians have placed George W. Bush into a new category: that of "dwarf President."

"What really sets George W. Bush apart is the utter absence of any qualities normally considered to be Presidential, such as wisdom, judgment, compassion, courage or that intangible we call gravitas," explained University of Texas History Professor Joe Seefus. Other presidents have done poorly, but very few have actually been too small for the job."

Rice University historian Hera Doughtus explained: "Most bad Presidents have at least seemed to be equal to the demands of serving as President. Nixon was a crook, but certainly not a dwarf. Hoover utterly failed to understand the Great Depression, but he could not be considered a lesser-than-life-size figure."

Historians disagree over whether Bush has been the only dwarf President in American history. Some believe that James Buchanan, who dithered while the South seceded from the Union, was as puny a character as George Bush. "In fact, the similarities are illustrative," said SMU History Professor Stew Thidides [That's enough with the silly names – Ed.].

Prof. Thidides noted that Buchanan, like Bush, was a weak, mediocre figure who vacillated while a country was pulled apart by Civil War. In Bush's case, though, the country was 5,000 miles away. "In Buchanan's defense, however, he hadn't created by his own hand the circumstances that led to civil war," Prof. Thidides commented.

A few historians also pushed for inclusion of William McKinley in the category of "dwarf Presidents." Baylor University History Professor Dee Toke-Viele explained: "Like Bush, he was an empty suit installed into office by a cabal of rich reactionaries. However, unlike Bush, he really didn't have much time to do lasting harm to the Republic before he was assassinated."

As a result of the historians' decisions, Presidents will be classified as great (Washington, Lincoln, Roosevelt), good (e.g., T. Roosevelt, Jefferson, Kennedy and Wilson), mediocre (e.g., Ford, Adams, Pierce, Van Buren and Coolidge), crooked (Nixon, Hayes) and large gaseous bodies (Taft, Clinton, L. Johnson). The dwarf classification has thus far been reserved for the current occupant of the White House.

"In his contempt for the Constitution, his ignorance of the world around him, his foreign-policy and military blunders, his desire to benefit the wealthiest at the expense of all other Americans, his contempt for science and his inability to learn from his mistakes and profit from advice, President George W. Bush stands in a class all by himself," concluded AHA President Maury Sohn. [I warned you about those names. You're fired. – Ed.]