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Volume CCXXXVI, Number 141 September 22, 2006 

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Editors' Note: Has it only been five years since September 11? How time flies when you're invading countries that had nothing to do with it! At any rate, we thought we'd check in to see how the anniversary was commemorated on Zontar, a planet in the Remulac system that bears an occasional resemblance to our own Earth.

THE PRESIDENT
SPEAKS ON 9/11

By David Bloviator
Political Editor

WASHINGTON, D.C. – On the fifth anniversary of the September 11 terrorist attacks, President Al Gore told the nation that it could take pride in the great strides the nation had made in responding to the threat, while cautioning America that much more remained to be done.

Immediately, Republicans charged that the President's address was "nothing more than a tired partisan defense of failed policies," in the words of Wyoming Senator Dick Cheney (R – Halliburton).

President Gore reminded the nation of its prompt response to the September 11 attacks, when at his request the Congress declared war on the Taliban regime in Afghanistan and the al-Qaeda terror network.  He recalled how U.S. forces, after assisting Afghan rebels in the overthrow of the Taliban regime, caught up with Osama bin Laden.

"We should never forget the sacrifices of the brave men and women of the 11th Mountain Division, who scaled the heights of Tora Bora in freezing cold weather. Thanks to them, al-Qaeda was shattered and Osama was captured and brought back to face justice," Gore said.

"Some criticized us because it took so long to bring bin Laden to trial. But we needed to carefully assess his intelligence value in conformity with our obligations under the Geneva Conventions."  He recounted how CIA and FBI interrogators painstakingly assembled a case against bin Laden and co-conspirators.

"As a result, bin Laden and his henchmen were convicted of 2,973 counts of murder after a fair trial in the United States District Court in Manahttan and will spend the rest of their lives buried alive in the U.S. supermax prison in Florence, Colorado," President Gore intoned. "We proved to the world that justice prevailed over terror."

In the GOP response, Sen. Cheney complained that the Gore Administration had handled the terrorist mastermind "with kid gloves," saying if it was up to him, "I'd have given bin Laden a faceful of buckshot."

President Gore acknowledged that, despite the efforts of 100,000 U.S. troops and Marines, plus an additional 100,000 soldiers committed by NATO allies and others who joined the fight against al-Qaeda, "Afghanistan remains threatened by Taliban forces."

The continuing quagmire in Afghanistan was a frequent topic of Republican attack. "We're stuck in a no-win position in Afghanistan with no plan for victory. All we got was this retarded carbon tax increase to pay for global heating, or something," complained Texas Sen. George W. Bush (R – Oil). Bush charged that Gore's tax increases were an unfair burden on working American families "who can't afford to get a little buzz on anymore."

Vice President Joe Liberman countered that Republicans would have chosen "to borrow from our children to pay for national security today. I cannot imagine a less moral or just choice."

President Gore, not willing to leave well enough alone, also described the rebuilding effort at Ground Zero in New York, a frequent target of Republican attacks during the 2004 re-election campaign against Arizona Sen. John McCain. In the second debate, Gore had promised to appoint former President Bill Clinton to bring together the various disputing governmental and private entities that had blocked progress at the World Trade Center.

"Thanks to President Clinton's mediation, I am pleased to announce all parties have agreed on a plan for Ground Zero, including offices, mixed-income housing, shopping, open space, a memorial, and two brilliant beams of light on the site of the twin towers." The president said that Clinton would outline the detailed plan during a star-studded television special featuring Jessica Simpson, Beyoncé and Shakira.

"Talk about must-see TV," the president quipped, avoiding any mention of the role played by Clinton's "special assistant," Kareena Gore, who, according to the New York Pus, is seeking a divorce.

Republicans believe that the public is tiring of the endless war in Afghanistan and the taxes needed to pay for it. Sen. Cheney promised that Republicans will lead the country to a quick victory in Afghanistan "if we have to nuke every raghead within a 1,000-mile radius."

All networks carried the President's Oval Office address live, except for Schlox Television, which chose instead to carry the premiere of its new reality show "Mud Wrestling with the Stars."