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Volume CCXXXVI, Number 141 September 22, 2006 

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Is it a cyborg? Is it a barbarian? No, it's . . .

BUSH SLAMMED
BY CELEBRITY

By David Bloviator
Political Editor with Roscoe Arbuckle in Metropolis

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The news sped through the capital faster than a speeding bullet: a last-minute celebrity intervention may explain the sudden willingness of the Bush Regime to compromise with Republican Senators on its Torturers Bill of Rights.

While the details of the proposed compromise remain obscure, it is clear that opposition from a handful of Republican Senators, whose respect for due process and the rule of law has apparently risen since they tried to drum Bill Clinton out of office without so much as an evidentiary hearing in the House of Representatives, was not sufficient to bend George Bush to their will.

Nor was the President much concerned about the mewling of Democrats brave enough to endorse any legislation approved by Sen. John McCain or the opposition of two former Secretaries of State – Colin Powell and George Schultz.

The President's will was finally broken by a force more powerful than a locomotive, and this morning its source was publicly revealed.

According to a statement released by his publicists in Hollywood, California, America's most eminent superhero raised his mighty voice in opposition to Bush's attempt to legalize water torture and rigged Bizarro courts.

The statement read: "I have devoted my entire life to truth, justice and the American Way. Therefore I must oppose Bush's detainee abuse act." The identity of the author of the document is no secret – it's signed with a big red and yellow S.

In his statement, the Man of Steel explained that "the claim that abusive and degrading treatment of detainees is a matter of national security simply isn't true. Torture is regarded by professional interrogators as the least effective way to elicit useful intelligence. Worse, it alienates our allies and provides real terrorists with a potent recruiting tool. The truth is that Abu Ghraib was the worst defeat for American forces since the Kasserine Pass."

"Bush's plan to try detainees before kangaroo courts without the right to see the evidence against them or appeal to a civilian court cannot be squared with the principles of justice for which I have fought my entire life. Finally, subjecting detainees to abusive and degrading treatment while denying them a fair trial or even the ability to challenge their detention is simply not the American Way.  It is the way of tyrants."

In an exclusive interview with the Spy conducted from his Fortress of Solitude high in the Hollywood Hills, Superman confirmed that he had written every word of his letter.  He said that his concerns about the way George Bush was handling the war on terrorism had arisen after he had received news that Jimmy Olsen, a member of the Army Reserve, had been killed by a car bomb in the supposedly pacified city of Fallujah. "That hit me like a ton of kryptonite," Superman said.

"The other thing that bothers me is – don't you think Dick Cheney looks a lot like Lex Luthor?"

Concerned that Superman's statement might change the course of mighty legislative rivers, Republican hatchet-men lost no time attempting to bring down the supposedly invincible superhero.  "I don't see why we should be subjected to lectures from a strange visitor from another planet," said Rep. James Sensenbrenner (R – Kotex). "In fact, if Superman can't produce a green card, I think that we should send him back where he came from." Informed by Daily Planet Washington Correspondent Lois Lane that Superman's home planet of Krypton had blown up decades ago, the ever-affable representative told her to get off the rag.

The same moneymen who financed the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth have already launched a TV blitz questioning Superman's bravery, loyalty and even his sexuality. "He says he can bend steel in his bare hands, but what sort of man prances around in cape and tights?" one ad intoned. Karl Rove, interviewed by Loofah King on Schlox News Network, said: "Superman is nothing more than a creation of Hollywood liberals and New York intellectuals, if you catch my drift."

Columnist Robert Novak, appearing on the same unwatchable program, stated that he had it on good authority that Superman was really Clark Kent, an unemployed ex-newspaperman who had been laid off following the sale of the Daily Planet to the Tribune Company. Novak went on to assert that Superman, far from being invulnerable, could be injured or killed by exposure to green kryptonite. He also told America that Rick gave the letters of transit to Victor and Ilsa and that Noah Cross had impregnated his own daughter before killing her and taking the child.

Washington insiders caution that the supposed compromise may still unravel due to Bush's penchant for undermining the force of legislation he signs with so-called "signing statements." However, Superman has already announced that if Bush tries such a stunt, he will personally fling the would-be tyrant back to Smallville with his bare hands.