The Massachusetts Spy Volume CCXXXVI, Number 153 January 2, 2007 

Editors' Note: Devoted readers of the Spy have nourished their peckish souls over the years with regular selections from The Book of Moron. This week, for reasons not entirely under our control, we present the moving conclusion to this magnificent spiritual work.

The Book of Moron

Final Chapter.

And so it came to pass after not too many years that the people came to King Wil-fred and said unto him: "You are old even if your hair is not and your political death will come soon." But King Wil-fred heard them not, for he had not set foot in the City on the Hill for lo these many years.

And the people had recalled the many miracles that King Wil-fred had done to [Surely, for? – Ed.] them. They remembered the miracle of the King's hair that only darkened with age. They remembered how King Wil-fred had miraculously turned food for the hungry into gold for the wealthy.

And they remembered that King Wil-fred had once preached love and tolerance for men who cleave to men and women who cleave to women. But then King Wil-fred had left the City on the Hill and when he returned he miraculously called down plagues and brimstone upon them just as the wicked Dob-Sun and Fal-Wel had told him to.

Men whose hearts cleaved to men

When King Wil-fred returned, he called down plagues of brimstone on men whose hearts cleaved to men, just as the wicked Dob-Son had told him to.

And so it came to pass that the Angel Moroni came to King Wil-fred and said unto him: "Saddle up your ass Fern-Strom and your many sons and wives and your bars of gold and go forth to a place that I will show you."

And the Angel Moroni showed King Wil-fred the waste lands of Nashua and the swamps of Carolina and the burning desert of Arizona and said unto King Wil-fred: "Go forth into those strange lands and show them your bars of gold and your hair of obsidian and preach to them about the horrors of men who cleave to men and women who cleave to women and they will hearken unto you."

And the desert of Fe-Nichs was a vast place – three days' march across – and it contained a million men and a million women who knew not their left hand from their right or wrong from right, but they hearkened unto King Wil-fred and they showered him with gold.

And so King Wil-fred sent messengers to the City on the Hill and they said under the Dome of Gold: "King Wil-fred sayeth unto you: he is outta here." And the people said: "Tell King Wil-fred thusly: Let not the gate of the city hit you on your ass on the way out."

King Wil-fred's messenger

King Wil-fred's messenger tells the people he is outta here.

And the City on the Hill went out and got themselves a new King who knew not King Wil-fred. And the new King was a Chicagoite. And the people said, "Well, we could do worse."

And there was much rejoicing in the City on the Hill when they saw that King Wil-fred would not return.

And King Wil-fred went forth into the waste lands and he was never heard from again and where he is today no man knows. As for the Princess Keri, whom King Wil-fred had left behind, she was never heard from again either.

And so endeth the story of King Wil-fred, who came from the wilderness of Utah and led the City on the Hill around in great circles and left again.  And the people knew that they would never see the likes of King Wil-fred again, because he was undoubtedly the greatest asshole that had ever set foot upon the land.

THE END

 

AND GEORGE BUSH IS DOING A GREAT JOB IF YOU DEFINE HIS MISSION AS FUCKING UP

WASHINGTON, Sept. 12 – The senior Marine commander in Iraq said Tuesday that he had sufficient forces to carry out his mission but that the mission did not include defeating the insurgency.

– The New York Times, September 13, 2006 at A11.