It's a good thing that political coverage has come a long way from its primitive origins in the early days of our Republic

And they're off . . . way off!

RACE TO WHITE HOUSE TAKES
AN EARLY LEAD

By A.J. Liebling
Press Correspondent

It starts earlier every year – with the election a mere 20 months away, the Race to the White House is already dominating the news. 

While the nation is focused on the continuing slaughter of young American in Iraq, lack of affordable health care, economic uncertainty and stagnant income growth, the media has wasted barrels of ink and hours of uplink time on the pointless question of who might be "leading" 11 months before the first voters cast ballots.

"I can't believe the news media has already hit the hustings, dogging every Manny, Moe and Hillary as they make their way through the frozen wastes of New Hampshire," commented one veteran hack from his vantage point at the National Press Club bar.

"Usually the press speculation about who's ahead and who's behind doesn't really pick up until the autumn before the election year, but this year, they're already out in force."

Indeed, statisticians at the Spy have carefully polled the number of column inches and news minutes devoted to the Race to the White House.  They have reported that who's ahead-who's behind "horserace" stories lead all other political coverage by a margin of better than 2 to 1. 

The solid lead enjoyed by Race to the White House stories was due to an enormous outpouring of tedious recounting of which consultants had signed up with which candidates, fascinating tales of candidates journeying to places where rich sympathizers might shower money on them, Republicans pandering to their base of Holy Rolling snake-handlers and the usual meaningless polls, straw and otherwise.

This year, however, the lead enjoyed by Race to the White House stories was lengthened by amusing accounts of internal campaign memos stolen and leaked to the press and insufferable sound bites from fat cats switching allegiances from one candidate to another.

Coming in a distant second to Race to the White House coverage are stories about a candidate's physical appearance.  Wilfred Romney's jutting chin, Hillary Clinton's inevitable pantsuits and Barrack Obama in swim trunks have all contributed to the second-place showing for irrelevant prattling about the physical attributes of candidates and the supposed effect of their appearance on their electability.

"The strong second-place showing of physical appearance stories is all the more remarkable given that the public doesn't seem to give a hoot.  After all, the current incumbent looks like Alfred E. Newman after a twenty-year crack bender," commented media expert Phillip D. Story [A.J.'s not making up quotes again, is he? – Copy Ed.]

The only bright spot, Prof. Story noted, was that appearance stories have declined by 10 percentage points since 2000, when 45% of all campaign coverage emphasized Al Gore's supposed woodenness and his mythical decision to adopt clothing in "earth tones."

Another potentially promising development has been the decline in false political smears parroted by gullible, lazy or biased journalists.  At the height of the 2004 campaign, such smears led all other political coverage by 12 percentage points, declining to 4 percentage points when Schlox News was removed from the sample.

With Race to the White House stories holding a commanding lead in political coverage, the remaining topics are forced to compete for leftovers, such as Saturday afternoons on MSNBC and Monday newspapers.  These also-rans include the brutal war in Iraq, the war against terrorism we are losing in Afghanistan, the impending catastrophe of global warming, the 47 million Americans without health insurance, and the surging inequality of incomes and life outcomes exacerbated by the Bush Administration's pro-rich tax and economic policies. 

"Nobody gives a crap about that stuff," said the Spy's own in house political editor David Bloviator.  

An anonymous network anchor who asked to be referred to only as "America's Sweetheart" echoed Bloviator.  "That stuff is much too downbeat for the evening news.  If I covered boring issues, how could I find time for tonight's package on candidates vying for the support of Brad and Angelina?" she asked, before adding with her trademark pixieish grin: "Now get out of my sight."

All the pundits agreed that Race to the White House stories are likely to maintain their lead between now and Election Day. Explained one cable news producer: "We have to cover who's winning and who's losing. It's our version of American Idol."