BASE BOOSTS
GIULIANI'S BID

By David Bloviator
Political Editor with
Hacky Carp in Old Sludgebury and
Maria Boroaroma in Brooklyn

NEW YORK – Confounding the pundits who thought that a pro-choice cross-dressing adulterer with gay roommates would not appeal to the pro-hate base of the Republican Party, former New York mayor and Hair Club for Men dropout Rudolph Giuliani has jumped out to an early lead in polls tracking the race to the Republican presidential nomination.

Analysts covering the race and crunching the early polling data attribute Giuliani's success to a time-tested tactic of candidates for a major party nomination.  "The key is to appeal to your base," explained long-time political sage David Bloviator of The Massachusetts Spy. [He's quoting himself now? – Copy Ed.]

"We see Hillary Clinton solidifying her support among women, and Barack Obama looking to African-American voters.  In each case they are building up support from their base before making their pitch to the broader electorate."

Despite Giuliani's urban background, rural creeps have flocked to his banner.

"Giuliani is no different. In his case, he has very successfully and early on locked up support and commitments from his key base: his fellow creeps."

Once Sen. Joe Lieberman (D – Maybe) decided not to make another futile and embarrassing run for the White House, Bloviator explained, Giuliani was the only candidate who represented the great mass of American creeps.

Creeps, according to Bloviator, represent between 30 and 40 per cent of the American electorate and historically have often played an important role in Presidential politics. They made history in 1968 by electing the first creep ever President: Richard M. Nixon.  "Political historians also note that the Nixon-Agnew ticket was the first all-creep ticket in American history," Bloviator said.

The polling data shows that Giuliani's compelling personal story has great appeal to creeps.  "Marrying his second cousin, holding public office while wearing that tacky combover and flagrantly cheating on his wife while mayor all strongly resonate with creeps," Bloviator told the Spy.

"Creeps also appreciate Giuliani's bullying 'tough-guy' persona, because they are normally passive, weak losers," Bloviator explained.

Giuliani has also succeeded in attracting celebrities to his bandwagon, including talk show host and ladies' man Bill Maher, ex-O.J. Simpson mouthpiece and Bernard Kerik receptacle Judith Regan and ex-celebrity by marriage Kevin Federline.

Polling data says that young urban creeps are one of Rudy's strongest constituencies.

Although Giuliani was expected to face major opposition from Christian hate-mongers because he dared to suggest that women should have the right to an abortion and the earth revolves around the sun, he's benefiting from the huge percentage of creeps in reactionary Christian politics. Ex-gay pastor Ted Haggard, hatemonger Jim Dobson and whack job Pat Robertson are just some of the creepy evangelicals who have proven susceptible to Rudy's blandishments.

The former mayor has also received major financial support from well-heeled creeps including Bill Gates of Microsoft, Larry Ellison of Oracle and reality TV show host Donald Trump.

In addition, Giuliani has picked up endorsements from ex-Rep. Mark Foley (R – NAMBLA), Rep. James Sensenbrenner (R – Kotex) and some guy named George Pataki [Check Google for background data – Ed.].

But it's not just highly-placed creeps that are flocking to the Giuliani banner – there's a palpable sense of enthusiasm among grass-roots creeps as well. Video-game addict Frank Burke, 30, of Old Sludgebury, interviewed in the basement of his parents' home where he lives, said: "He's wicked cool. I liked it when his cops fired 41 shots into that unarmed black guy and Rudy said that anyone who didn't like that could go f*** themselves. Now I have to kill the Borg planet. Get out of here."

Vinny "Boom-boom" Toscano of Brooklyn echoed similar sentiments while doing arm curls in his black wife-beater: "Rudy was gettin' it done with those brunette skanks while his old lady was home with the kids. Ya gotta love it. He's my main man. Hey, Maria, you want to hit it?  We gotta go to your place though because – " [That's enough interviews – Ed.]

Despite Giuliani's strong early lead among creeps, observers note that he still faces obstacles. "He's going to have a hard time if Newt Gingrich enters the race. Newt finally admitted he was boning his secretary while married to the woman he was screwing when he served his first wife with divorce papers as lay stricken with cancer, and doing her while trying to unseat Bill Clinton on the grounds that Clinton had lied about sex," Bloviator said. "No creep could fail to be stirred by that performance."

"And don't forget how Gingrich shut down the U.S. Government because Clinton wouldn't let him sit in the front cabin on Air Force One. That kind of petty temper tantrum would strike anyone as creepy."

But Giuliani campaign insiders brush off the potential Gingrich challenge: "Hell, Rudy's own son thinks he's a creep. Let's see Newt match that!"