The Massachusetts SpyVolume CCXXXVI, Number 163 March 23, 2007 

From the Archives

Editors' Note: Rummaging around the morgue, one of our interns found this front page from 1973. How long ago and far away it seems!  Remember when pundits used to say that it wasn't the crime that did in Dick Nixon, it was the cover-up? Today it would be unimaginable that a President crippled by his failure to end a pointless, unpopular war would compound his difficulties by firing prosecutors as a part of a conspiracy to obstruct justice.   

Ace Spy Sports Columnist Shill Shamelessly Reveals the Sullivans'
Brilliant Turnaround Plan for Pats
  
Volume CCIII      October 20, 1973      Worcester, Mass.      Thirty Inflated Cents

NIXON SAYS COX WON'T GET
 TAPES; WILL LET SEN. STENNIS
   LISTEN TO SOME EXCERPTS


GOP Senators Hail "Fair and Balanced" Plan;
      Prosecutor Responds: "Are You Shitting Me?"

Sen. John Stennis reporting for duty
Senator John Stennis stated he was ready, willing and able to verify the accuracy of transcripts prepared by the Nixon White House


Young Republicans
Not Worried by
Watergate Scandal

LAS VEGAS, Nev. – While their parents and political mentors labor to resolve the increasingly momentous crisis arising from the refusal of President Nixon to comply with court orders for the release of the Watergate tapes, the next generation of Young Republicans was able to enjoy themselves at their annual convention.

In past years, their convention was held in Washington.  However, this year, the Teamsters Union, as a gesture of appreciation for all that the Republican Party had done for them, underwrote the cost of entertaining a thousand young Republicans at Las Vegas's famed Sands Hotel.

Inside the hospitality suite, guarded by a stunning bikini-clad brunette known only as Judi, the future of the GOP attended panels underwritten by convention sponsors, including the Pharmaceutical Manufacturers Association, the Distilled Spirits Council and the Republic of Colombia.

Although the press was not permitted into the working sessions, one could heard a buzz of voices, punctuated by the sound of bullets fired from handguns given to every attendee as a gift from Smith & Wesson.

Around breakfast time today, several young GOPers emerged from the suite, apparently depleted by long hours of political discussion. A tubby young man who gave his name only as "Newt" said that this was the best convention he had ever attended and remarked on the openness and receptivity of the local hostesses provided by longtime Republican Party stalwart Frank Sinatra.

Asked for his response to dispute between Nixon and Special Prosecutor Archibald Cox, Newt said, "You want Cox? I'll show you Cox," and proceeded to drop his pants, which created a small disturbance.

He was followed by an animated young man who turned out to be a student at Harvard Business School and the scion of one of the Republican Party's most distinguished political families, the Bushes.

"I gotta get a chili dog. Are you gonna get me one?" he asked this reporter. When told that the reporter was not a waiter, the young man jovially responded, "Then what good are you?"

Asked for his view on release of the Watergate tapes, young Bush said that the question was a "total buzz killer," and that there was only one thing he was interested in releasing.

Bush was then joined by a man he hailed as "Pablo," who whispered something in Bush's ear. This caused Senator Bush's grandson to scurry off with the mysterious Latin American man, saying he had to blow.

The Constitutional crisis engulfing the Capitol took an even graver turn yesterday, with the announcement by President Richard M. Nixon that he will ignore the decision of the U.S. Court of Appeals in Washington to turn over White House tapes subpoenaed by Special Prosecutor Archibald Cox.

Nixon told a diminishing group of toadies deep in the White House bunker [Surely, Oval Office? – Ed.] that he was standing on the principle of executive privilege. "If I turn over these tapes, future Presidents might face demands to reveal conversations with aides in response to bogus investigations of so-called 'obstructions of justice.' This I cannot permit."

Instead, Nixon offered to allow the senescent Sen. John Stennis (R – Klan) to review White House transcripts of selected portions of the tapes and then tell Cox he had nothing to worry about and it was time to go home to his fellow pointed-headed liberals in Cambridge.

"The question is whether the Special Prosecutor wants to get at the facts or whether he wants to engage in a partisan fishing expedition for the benefit of Democrats like his fellow Massachusetts liberal, Ted Kennedy," snarled White House mouthpiece Ron Ziegler at the regular White House Press Briefing.

"Of course, the liberal media will never fairly report the President's generous and reasonable offer. Someday, perhaps there will be a fair and balanced television news network that will allow people to decide for themselves that Richard M. Nixon is not a crook," he added.  

From the wings of the briefing room, rotund Nixon ad man Roger Ailes smiled seraphically and then disappeared. Asked where Ailes had run off to, Ziegler said only that he had an important telephone conference call "with Australia."

A spokesman for the Special Prosecutor said only that Mr. Cox wanted all relevant evidence presented to the Watergate Grand Jury "in the interests of justice."

Senate Republicans were quick to condemn the Special Prosecutor's request for the Presidential tapes as "partisan."

"Nixon has already said he did nothing wrong. That's good enough for me," said Sen. Howard Baker (R – Elevators).

The White House refused to say whether it would appeal the decision of the Court of Appeals.  Some presidential advisers were known to be concerned that an adverse Supreme Court decision might raise the pressure on Nixon to comply.  Others report that Nixon appointee William Rehnquist has told the White house that he would be able to "fix" the case without difficulty.

Rehnquist is known to embrace a broad view of executive privilege. But some long-time court watchers don't expect the Republican-dominated Supreme Court to allow their party affiliations to affect their consideration of a great Constitutional question.

Said one court watcher: "The Supreme Court will stand on principle. To quash the subpoena would be as crudely lawless as reversing a presidential election because the Court didn't like the outcome."  


Young Republicans not bothered by Watergate scandal
Young Republicans at their annual meeting in Las Vegas managed to suppress whatever concerns they may have felt over the burgeoning Nixon tapes crisis


The Massachusetts Spy is made possible by a generous grant from the U.S. Department of State

U.S. Department of StateU.S. Department of State
Vacancy Announcement
Civil Administration Teams
The U.S. Department of State announces the following vacancies for joint development teams at the following duty stations: Fallujah, Samarra, Tikrit, Sadr City, Nasariyah, Kirkuk, Mosul and Helhol, Iraq.

Prerequisites: Expertise in one or more of the following fields: agronomy, civil affairs, public health, public safety, civil engineering; willingness to die young and/or suffer kidnapping and torture for no purpose other than to make George Bush look good.

Compensation: Candidates will be hired at the GS-12 or GS-13 level ($36,958 to $54,320).  Benefits package includes hazardous duty pay, combat differential, death and dismemberment insurance, survivors' benefits, disability care including up to six months at the world-famous Walter Reed Medical Center with meals catered by McDonald's of Georgia Ave., N.W. and semi-annual vermin control service.

Interested candidates should apply to U.S. Department of State, Department of Ultra-Short-Term Staffing, Washington, D.C. with a copy to Republican National Committee.  For an application package call toll free 1-666-DEADMEAT.

The U.S. Department of State is an equal-opportunity employer, except for gays and Lesbians, who should rot in hell. The depressed and suicidal are especially encouraged to apply for these positions.


U.S. Department of State
Washington, D.C.

"Live fast, die young, stay pretty" – Condoleezza Rice