The heat is on . . .

CLIMATE CHANGE
HARMS ANIMALS

By Charles Van Doren
Science Editor

WASHINGTON, DC. – The cherry blossoms along the Tidal Basin have already blossomed, but not all the effects of climate change in the Nation's Capital are so benign.

Some observers fear that things are getting so hot that many formerly hardy species will be unable to survive. They note that Washington's herds of elephants, once the dominant species along the Potomac, have already thinned considerably due to the political heat. For the first time, fears have been expressed that the species may not survive.

Longtime capital pundits were stunned by the sudden extinction of creatures that they had thought were well-adapted to Washington, including Sen. George Allen (Bubba crypto-hebraicus), Rep. Denny Hastert (Omnivorus giganticus), Rep. James Sensenbrenner (Kotex pontifex), Sen. Bill Frist (Video medicus) and former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld (Miles minimus).

Now capital ecologists fear that other formerly thriving species appear endangered and may not recover. They believe that once-renowned insult comic Ann Coulter (Hermaphroditus anorexis), Attorney General Alberto Gonzales (Fredo non-sapiens) and Sen. John Sununu (White Mountain road runner) are especially threatened by the change in climate.

"Sadly, these species couldn't take the warming," said Karenna Schiff, spokesperson for the Gore Center for Political Climate Change.  "Take Gonzales.  As soon as things began to get hot, he started running in circles and spouting gibberish. Eight U.S. Attorneys were fired and he wasn't involved? Obviously his memory has been degraded by the heat.  We call it Libby's Syndrome."

As it becomes clear that the heat is not a passing event but rather a permanent change in the political envrironment, anxious bands of elephant lovers wonder who will survive.  Some of them fear that even the hardiest may not be able to adapt to the new climate, including Karl Rove (Tyrannus facit).  Rove, singed by his brush with a perjury indictment, is now feeling the heat arising from the discovery of his plan to change the political climate by firing U.S. Attorneys who were unwilling to bring bogus cases of election fraud against Democrats.

Even those who survive the heat have found themselves affected by it. For example, hulking CIA agent-eater Dick Cheney (Cordis inoperativus) has been forced by the changing climate to remain in dark, cold bunkers, unable to stalk and shoot his prey in the open. The only cheering note for Cheney lovers has been the ability of this species to reproduce asexually.

What caused the dramatic loss of Republican species?  Observers recall that just two years ago, they roamed the earth virtually unchallenged, invading countries, imprisoning other species at will, rampaging through the Supreme Court and mercilessly transferring wealth from poor to rich.  "Now," Schiff said, "They can't even build a nest for one of their own in a European embassy."

A number of factors are thought to contribute to the sudden dramatic warming of the political climate, including the loss of life and treasure in the tar pits of Iraq, the extinction of the U.S. Constitution and the destruction of America's reputation for justice and democracy at Abu Ghraib and Guantanamo Bay, among other sites.

Some mourn the impending demise of the Republicans, but others note that we are seeing evolution at work.  Schiff commented: "The history of the earth is that primitive species flourish for a time and then disappear, replaced by more advanced, better adapted forms of life.  We saw it with the dinosaurs and the great land mammals.  Now it's the Republicans' turn."