Once upon a time there lived a handsome prince in his castle nestled in the Hollywood Hills.  Everybody loved the prince because he was so handsome and virile.   He was known for the feasts that he gave in his castle, because the prince made sure his guests had plenty of mead and magic powder and everyone left feeling very happy.   
  

One day at one of his feasts the prince's eye happened to fall on one of the many, many maidens from the village below who came to his feasts. Like all the other maidens, she was fair and blonde and very friendly. But although she was as hot [Surely, pretty? – Ed.] as the other maidens, she was no maiden. She was an evil witch.

   The evil witch gazed upon the gorgeous, hunky smokin' hot [Let's stick with handsome – Ed.]  prince and she said to herself: "I will marry the prince and bear his child and I will cast a magic spell upon the prince so that the prince forgets to make me sign a pre-nup." She did not tell the handsome prince that she was five years older than he and was destined to become a gnarly old hag unfit for a prince of Massapequa.

  To conceal her real age, she went to a wizard who lived in a tower near the prince's castle. The wizard mixed up a magic potion and hid two bags of the potion in her [That will do – Ed.]

  So the very handsome prince married the evil witch and soon they had a little girl, whom they named after a famous supermodel. Everyone thought they would live happily ever after but the evil witch had other ideas. The magic potions that the wizard had given her had worn off and soon she needed more and more of them.

   Soon the evil witch became jealous just because the prince visited many maidens, most of whom were much younger than the evil witch and did not need any wizard to inject potions in their [Once more and you're fired – Ed.].

   And as the years went on, no one wanted to pay money to see the evil witch, even when she tried to peddle the wizard's magic elixirs on home shopping. However, the prince magically became handsomer and handsomer with each passing year and he could still command star billing on a prime-time sitcom.

The evil witch would take the princess out partying when she should have been returning calls from her father, the prince. 

   So the evil witch took her little girl and fled from the prince's castle. The evil witch hired hulking, ugly ogres known as "lawyers." They told the prince that he could not visit his little girl in his castle unless he handed over many pots of gold to the ogres.

   Then the prince hired his own ogres to fight the evil witch's ogres. The ogres fought and fought.  They belched smoke and fire. They grunted and swore and threw dirt and mud until all the gold was gone. When it was all over, the prince still could not bring his daughter to his castle without a court order.

  This made the prince very, very sad and very, very mad.  But still worse was to come.

   The evil witch cast a spell on the prince's daughter which made the daughter believe that her father was a horny, slimy, out of control sleazebag. This made the prince sad because he knew he was not slimy.

   The more he thought about the evil witch and the spell she cast, the madder the prince got. He told his new maidens that the evil witch was a heavily-medicated castrating madwoman who needed a good [We are not going there – Ed.].

   The daughter, who was now under the spell of the evil bitch [Surely, witch? – Ed.], would not visit the handsome prince in the prince's $10 million castle with the infinity-edge pool and HD projection room or even in a fancy hotel room in New York. The prince missed his daughter and he became angrier and angrier. One day, when his daughter, still under the spell of her wicked mother, did not call her father, the handsome prince did what any father would do and reamed his daughter out on the telephone.

    The prince yelled and screamed and called his 12-year-old daughter a "pig."  So the daughter's evil mother sent the tape of the prince's tantrum to the media and everyone was very sad, except for the ogres who had something else to fight about.

  Continues without end. [Surely, the end? – Ed.]