A
harsh mistress. . . .
PROSTITUTION
HITS
CAPITAL
By Bobby Baker
Washington
Correspondent
"Jenna"'s
career as an escort was ruined when her terrible secret was revealed
WASHINGTON, D.C.
– The capital, with little else of consequence to
distract it, can't stop talking about the so-called D.C. Madam scandal
and the identities of those who both sought and offered the services in
question.
Washingtonians lapped
up tales of abstinence-promoting hacks who sought relief from the
strains of their duties in the hands [Surely, arms? – Ed.]
of the
elite corps of well-compensated escorts. Sadly, despite days
of teasing by ABC News, the Madam's interview last week produced no
further names, leaving the movers and tossers [Surely, shakers?
– Ed.] of the Nation's Capital with no
choice but to take up tedious issues of war and peace.
Fortunately, word came at the weekend that one
of the escort service's employees, known only as "Jenna," had been
moonlighting during slow periods at one of Washington's most
prestigious law firms, Akin Johnson & Hertz. When the news of
her secret life leaked out, the
D.C. Madam immediately fired the escort.
"We
run a classy, professional operation here. We can't allow
ourselves to be associated in the public mind with lawyers and other
cheap whores," she
explained.
The shocking
revelation shined a glaring light on the continuing shame of
Washington: an army of lawyers brazenly walking the streets,
willing to prostitute themselves for a few hundred bucks.
"These lawyers are absolutely shameless,"
sniffed one old-line Washingtonian. "There's nothing they
won't do for money. I've heard that they will bend over for
murderers, child molesters, even Paul Wolfowitz," she said.
Some say these high-priced whores, while a
nuisance, are essentially harmless. "If someone wants to hire
a lawyer, it's no one's business but their own," insisted Harvard Law
Professor Alan Dershowitz.
But
others scoff at the notion that consorting with lawyers is a victimless
vice. They point to the thousands who died in agony from
cigarette smoking, thanks to the efforts of armies of legal whores who
took millions from Big Tobacco to lie to the public about the dangers
of cigarettes.
These
same critics point to the public-health problems caused by frequenting
lawyers, such as victims of asbestos
poisoning, impoverished senior citizens denied access to cheaper
foreign drugs and the collapse of America's system of protection of
occupational health and safety.
Honest escorts like Sadie
Nussbaum (shown here)
don't want their image to be tarnished by moonlighting lawyers [Is
this picture necessary? – Photo Ed.]
[Are you kidding me? – Ed.]
Other
critics blame legal whores for the
destruction of the federal system of justice. They say that
just one blonde bimbo by the name of "Monica" with a law degree from a
shady Virginia holy-roller diploma mill caused scores of qualified
Justice Department employees to lose their jobs.
What motivates
today's legal prostitutes? According to the experts, the answer is
simple: money.
"Where else could these individuals make $500, $600, even
$700 an hour?" asked a reformed lawyer who agreed to be identified only
as "Bill."
"That's the only
reason that these unfortunates are willing to degrade themselves by
consorting with the likes of O.J. Simpson or Dick Cheney," "Bill" said.
"I don't like to be critical, but these legal
prostitutes give
honest sex workers a bad name. They both make a living
f***ing people, but at least the streetwalkers will show you a good
time."
"Poor Jenna
will have to bear the stigma of her association with lawyers her whole
life. And I'm sure she's a lovely young woman. You
wouldn't happen to know her number, would you?" "Bill" asked.
[No.
– Ed.]
