Thinking
the unthinkable
JFK TERROR
ATTACK FOILED
By Maria Boroaroma
Brooklyn-Queens
Bureau Chief
BROOKLYN, N.Y. – A devilish cabal of
terror masterminds and former baggage handlers at New York's JFK
Airport were thwarted thanks to the brilliant work of a criminal
informant who most certainly did not put them up to it.
JFK's elite security team,
shown here outside the bustling International Arrivals Building, guards
against any threats to America's "front door to the world."
According to Justice
Department officials, the
arrests were made as part of an effort to distract attention
from the failure of the Iraq "surge." [Surely, to protect our homeland
from all foes? – Ed.]
Prosecutors
outlined in horrifying detail the components of the scheme, which were
designed to mesh together to
paralyze the most important international gateway in the United States.
The plot hatched by these savage enemies of all
freedom-loving humanity included
- Insinuating
suspicious and disloyal foreigners behind the wheel of virtually all
auto and truck transportation arriving at or departing from the busy
airport's multiple terminals, insuring that most visitors to the United
States would be dumped, broke and naked, in the wilds of East New York
- Replacing JFK's crack baggage handlers with
drug-addicted sociopaths who would ransack all incoming luggage for
valuables to finance future terror activities
- Kidnapping or waylaying the airport's
janitorial staff, leaving the terminals to drown in their own garbage
- Hacking into airline and FAA computers to crash
reservations systems and air traffic control services on busy travel
days, effectively holding thousands of desperate air travelers hostage
in the terminals
- Adulterating
all airport food with rancid, indigestible grease, causing serious
abdominal distress to thousands
- Inducing mental paralysis by playing dopey
"news" channels throughout the airport and infiltrating
specially trained operatives to blast their massive boom boxes at top
volume down the concourses
- Blocking
already-overburdened security checkpoints by infiltrating "passengers"
who would argue about taking off their shoes or "forget" the nail
polish in their handbags
- Using billions from Middle Eastern extremists
to
engage in so-called "leveraged buyouts" of airlines, thus ensuring that
they would be starved of resources needed to handle passengers and
maintain their aging jets
- Finally, once chaos had been created,
distracting
airport security and customer service personnel with free beer and
pornographic DVD's to render them incapable of assisting air travelers
"This is indeed the
most nefarious terror plot I have seen since the attempt to smuggle
assassins into Fort Dix as pizza delivery men,' whined Attorney General
Fredo Gonzales. "I don't see how I can be expected to testify
about my repeated obstructions of justice with these dangerous
terrorists on the loose."
Gonzales
congratulated law enforcement officials for cracking the case in time
for the evening news
[Surely, so quickly? – Ed.]
In response to the terror
threat, Port Authority police rounded up and interrogated anyone who
"looked or sounded like a foreign weirdo."
Tiny
billionaire and New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg also praised the work
of the FBI and the New York Police Department. "Had this plot
come to pass, the damage would have been literally incalculable.
Thank God we stopped them before they had a chance to do
anything
besides BS in an Ozone Park bar [Surely,
carry out their dastardly plot? – Ed.]
Security
personnel at the airport appeared to be unruffled about the terror
plot. "Get the f*** out of my way," said one officer who gave
his
name as Sgt. Eatme.
Kennedy
Airport air travelers
were shocked to hear how close they had come to catastrophe.
"Can
you imagine what would happen if terrorists took over the cabs and
baggage carousels? It would be a disaster," said Mrs. Yetta
Boroaroma of Bensonhurst, on her way back from a weekend in Vegas.
"Yeah,
that would like suck," said Vinnie Boroaroma, also of Bensonhurst.
"Make sure you get in the part about how I'm opening my own
gym
on 57th Avenue. Then I'll be able to get my own place."
[That's enough
Maria. – Ed.]
