Local News:
TRIBE PLANS
NEW
CASINO
By Nollie Tangere '03
City Staff
OLD SLUDGEBURY, Mass. – Prospects for
casino gambling in Old Sludgebury
were improved dramatically by the decision of the Federal
Government to recognize a local band of Scratchaticket
Indians as a tribe for purposes of federal gambling law.
Old Sludgburians hope that the new casino would be a catalyst for the
redevelopment of the
depressed Main Street area, shown above
The
Scratchatickets, who claimed to be descended from a renegade band of
Wampanoags who left Plymouth County because they felt that the Pilgrims
were depressing property values, had sought federal recognition for
over twenty years. Yesterday, the
Scratchatickets'
chief, who is also Old Sludgebury Mayor James "Send Wampum" Burke, said
that the tribe would soon unveil plans for a 300,000 square foot casino
in Old Sludgebury that would, in the mayor's words, "combine the
timeless traditions of the Scratchatickets with over 3,000
state
of the art progressive slot machines." Local
casino
opponents had objected to the designations of the Scratchatickets,
claiming that Mayor Burke had as much Indian blood in him as Queen
Elizabeth. But Burke, who had also served as the chair of the
2004 "Scratchatickets for Bush" Committee persuaded the Department of
Justice that it was payback time
[Surely, that the claims of the Scratchatickets were well-grounded as a
matter of fact and law? – Ed.]. With
federal designation in hand, Mayor Burke
and his fellow Native Americans, including State Senator Cash
Payment and a local garbage-removal contractor known only as "Whitey,"
are now ready to unveil their plans for the magnificent Scratchaticket
Casino. According to Burke, in
addition to the slot
machines, the casino will feature over 75 table games, a poker room, a
1200-room hotel, a shopping mall and a museum dedicating to preserving
the heritage of the Scratchatickets, including an audio-animatronic
recreation of their Great Trek from Plymouth to what is now Old
Sludgebury in 1622. "Gamblers from eight to eighty will
appreciate for the first time the heroic sacrifices of our
Scratchaticket ancestors," Burke vowed. City
Hall insiders told the Spy
that the casino is unlikely to be located in downtown Old
Sludgebury, contrary to earlier reports that suggested it would be
built on the centrally-located site of the former Old Sludgebury Outlet
Mall, which since its collapse into bankruptcy in 1995 has served as a
storage dump for recycled paperboard en route to China. Instead,
the Mayor is thought to favor a rural location at the city limits now
occupied by the Burke Farm and Asbestos Recycling Center.
Said
one City Hall insider, "Hell, there are so many bodies buried there
already you might as well cover 'em in concrete." According
to casino proponents, the Scratchatickets have already lined up
financing from a blue-chip consortium including the Tong
family of
Macao, Putin Development Ltd. of Moscow and the aforementioned
"Whitey."
Casino proponents say that gambling will provide "Las Vegas-style"
night life for the quiet Massachusetts city
Casino
backers say the development
will generate impressive economic growth for the long-struggling city
of
Old Sludgebury and the Sludge River Valley, which have never fully
recovered from the closing of the asbestos mill and cigarette filter
works in 1954. "We expect the casino to generate thousands of
job
for dealers, chambermaids and valet parking attendants," Mayor Burke
said. "And don't forget the
thousands of new jobs
that will be created as a by-product of the casino development. We
project that the casino will be responsible for an
additional
750 hookers, 200 pawn shop employees, 400 Gamblers Anonymous counselors
and 150 loan-sharks and leg-breakers," the Mayor added. The
Mayor urged the citizenry to back the casino plan, telling a
hastily-assembled group of City Hall hacks, "In just a few short years,
we can transform Old Sludgebury into the Atlantic City of New England." | 
