Hey, Condi, give me a hand
with them goalposts . . .

NEW NUMBERS
SHOW IRAQ GAINS

By Douglass Macarthur
War Correspondent

WASHINGTON, D.C. – With the failure of the Iraqi "government" to achieve even a single one of the benchmarks set out by Congress and the Administration, Cheney Administration war planners have begun to focus on benchmarks they believe tell the real story about the magnificent progress of the U.S. war in Iraq.

The original benchmarks, including passage of an oil revenue sharing law, rehabilitation of working-level members of Saddam Hussein's Baath Party, and political reconciliation among Iraq's bloodthirsty cults and tribes, are going not so well. In fact, they're not going at all. As the al-Qaeda propaganda office doing business under the name of the Associated Press put it:

A draft report to Congress on the war will conclude that the U.S.-backed government in Iraq has met none of its targets for political, economic and other reform, speeding up the Bush administration's reckoning on what to do next, a U.S. official said Monday.

But, according to the White House and the Hot Air Force, those are the wrong metrics. Sources close to the Administration have told the Spy that we shouldn't judge the progress of the war by the continuing failure of the Iraqi government and armed forces to function more than four years after the ouster of Saddam Hussein.

Instead, the White House has circulated a new list of metrics that it says demonstrate the wonderful progress achieved in Iraq. Previously Cheney Administration apologists have boasted about the dramatic increase in cellphone usage in Iraq, (Don't believe us?  Click here). Now they trumpet the even more dramatic progress made by Iraqi satellite TV.

"Under Saddam Hussein, Iraqis had a choice of only three boring channels. The Coalition Provisional Authority gave Iraqis a choice of 50 crystal-clear satellite channels, including ESPN and Fox News. Now, under the Maliki Government, Iraqis can enjoy over 200 channels of the best of international television, including the Food Network, Lifetime Original Movies, ESPN Classic and Pat Robertson's 700 Club. Now that's progress," exclaimed oddly sympathetic spinmeister Tony Snow from his new briefing room.

"And did I mention that 15 of those channels are in High Definition?" he added.

A key metric of progress in Iraq has been the increased number of TV channels available to Iraqis. The programs have gotten better, too, as the above clip from Law & Order: Baghdad Victims Unit demonstrates.

Other Bush-Cheney sycophants cite many other quantifiable indicia of progress. Hot Air Force General Fred Kagan noted that the number of bombed mosques has declined from 100 a month in 2006 to 40 a month this year. Asked if this was due to a decline in the number of undamaged mosques available for bombing, Kagan accused the Spy of supporting al-Qaeda.

Hot Air Force stalwarts offered up their own measurements of success. "In 2006, the average Iraqi murdered by sectarian militias and dumped in the river had been tortured for 9.2 hours prior to execution.  Thanks to the military pressure of the surge, that's down to 2.0 hours. By 2008, we expect the militias to abandon pre-execution torture altogether," said HAF Generalissimo Freddie Hiatt '76. "And you say we're not winning."

Gen. Hiatt also noted progress towards political reconciliation. "The number of fistfights in the Iraqi Parliament has declined from 6 per day to less than 20 per month. Also the number of curses and oaths they direct at each other has gone down from 10,000 to less than 5,000 per month." Hiatt, true to his background in journalism, admitted that the failure of the Parliament to meet in two months may have helped bring down the numbers.

Sen. Joe Lieberman (D? – Joe) told a Likud Party rally in Farmington last weekend that U.S. troops were taking a toll on insurgent supplies. "In 2005, it took the insurgents 500 pounds of explosive to kill one American soldier.  Now it takes them almost 2,000 pounds. How long can al-Qaeda keep this up?"

Sen. Lieberman cited the improved performance of the Iraqi armed forces, noting that desertion rates in the Iraqi Army have declined from 35% per month to 33% per month in the first six months of 2007.  "Now, that's nation-building," he exclaimed.

He also said that only 74% of Iraqi policemen were affiliated with murderous sectarian militias, down from 90% in June, 2006.  

The Defense Department has boasted that it has financed the reconstruction of over 1,000 schools and 300 hospitals throughout Iraq. Asked how many of those building projects had been successfully completed, Gen. Peter Pace, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, replied, "How the f*** should I know? Do you think I'm going out there to get my ass shot off?"  

Sources close to the White House, who wished to remain anonymous so that they could face their neighbors in Chevy Chase, told the Spy that demographic statistics gave the greatest reason for optimism.  The source explained, "Since 2003, 650,000 Iraqis have been killed in the war, and another 3,000,000 have fled the country.  At this rate, by 2015, there will be no one left in Iraq to fight.  Then we can bring our troops home to savor the fruits of their great victory."