No bimbo is safe . . .

L.A. PLAGUED
BY CRIME WAVE

By Roscoe Arbuckle
Entertainment Editor

LOS ANGELES, Calif. – The summer rhythms of sun, surf, binge-purging and surety bonds in America's film capital have been disrupted by a wave of crimes victimizing some of Tinseltown's most notorious and vulnerable celebrities. 

The latest victim? Beloved gamine and party gal Lindsay Lohan, who, while minding her own business careening through Santa Monica at 3 a.m. doing about 80, was cruelly entrapped by criminals unknown.

After her arrest and breath test, she was searched by the arresting officer and a package of cocaine found in her pants, which she was apparently still wearing at the time of the arrest. The highly credible legal drinker told Santa Monica police that she had no idea who had planted the cocaine but that the drugs were not hers.

Her mouthpiece and bail bondsman Blair Witch said, "Lindsay is just the latest in a long line of innocent celebrities whose lives have been ruined by ruthless criminals, who in this case planted cocaine on her in an effort to destroy the career of one of America's most loved [Surely, beloved? – Ed.] young stars."

In a statement faxed to several hundred reporters, bloggers and hangers-on hours after her young charge's latest perp walk, Witch claimed that this was not the first time that Lohan had been victimized by a band of criminals.

"We're still looking for the miscreants who made off with her underwear last year on the Sunset Strip, which lead to her witlessly [Surely, unwittingly? – Ed.] flashing her hoo-hah in front of dozens of paparazzi," Witch said. The search was abandoned after 600 guys whom Lohan had clubbed with that night all claimed responsibility for divesting the perky starlet of her gattkes.

In another shocking case of theft of underwear, Los Angeles police officers discovered the widower [Surely, husband? – Ed.] of ex-celebrity Zsa Zsa Gabor trapped naked in his car, after three women, according to Mr. Gabor, robbed him of every stitch of clothing, leaving him only with his wallet, credit card and diamond-encrusted Rolex watch.

Spin doctors for other celebrities echoed Witch's concern about bands of marauding criminals who had devastated the lives of their entirely innocent clients. Witch herself said that Brittany Spears had offered a $10,000 reward for information leading to the arrest of the blackguards who stole her car seat last year in Hollywood, forcing the untalented [Surely, unfortunate? – Ed.] dancer/singer/performance artist to drive home with her rugrats clutching her neck.

The crimes committed by this unknown gang of bimbo-bashers are multifarious. For example, they replaced the Fiji water in bottles carried by both Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie with vodka, which led to a series of fashion [Surely, traffic? – Ed.] accidents involving the young hellions.

The same gang of desperadoes is also suspected of other L.A.-area crimes, including the theft of Judith Regan's marbles, Jim Carrey's talent [Surely a petty crime? – Ed.], Janeane Garafalo's career and Courtney Love's face.

Police sources believe that the L.A. crime wave is unrelated to a series of celebrity crimes in New York, including an outbreak of cradle robbing traced to celebrities such as Woody Allen and Katie Couric.

LAPD spokesmen admitted that they have few good leads. "We're looking for a sophisticated gang able to remove a thong, plant cocaine and spike a water bottle with vodka all at the same time. That pretty much narrows down the list of suspects to every male celebrity, DJ and wannabe within 20 miles of the Chateau Marmont," said LA police Captain Taser Furst.  

"If we catch them though, you can bet we'll throw the book at them, unless they turn out to be real celebrities or producers who are interested in my script about a gang of criminals who attack starlets by stealing their panties – [That's enough Taser – Ed.].