Readers trapped for hours

FLIGHT DELAY
STORIES RISE

By A.J. Liebling
Press Correspondent with
Nollie Tangere '03 in Old Sludgebury

NEW YORK, N.Y. – With America's air traffic system overburdened to the point of collapse, weary Americans are bracing for yet another round of flight delay stories and packages.

Experts estimate that the average newspaper reader, TV news watcher or Internet browser will waste over 100 hours this summer stuck watching or reading about air travel delays. The loss in productivity arising from such delays may reach over $100 billion, according to those same experts who requested anonymity because they pulled the data out of their blowholes [Surely, were not officially authorized to speak? – Ed.].  

"It's getting so that news consumers can expect endless delays due to tedious reporting about what happens at airports during thunderstorms," said Rip N. Read, Ailes Professor of Fair and Balanced Journalism at Regent University. "Since there are thunderstorms somewhere in the United states virtually every night in the summer months, the chances of being delayed by some talking head standing outside the terminal are close to 100%."

What's behind the endless delays caused by unendurable reporting on late or canceled flights?  "There's no single factor," Read told the Spy. "Certainly one factor is that even the most wretchedly-paid reporter or news writer is likely to get on some mephitic plane during the summer and wants the public to understand how much they suffered waiting to land at La Guardia during a storm."

"And there's nothing a low-paid news hack likes better than the spectacle of people trying to get to places the reporter can't afford stuck for days in scrofulous terminals," Read continued.

Read also pointed to the ease of covering airport delays, which involve little more than sending a nitwit and a satellite truck to the media market's largest airport for a standup live at 5, 6 and 11.

But the problem is only getting worse, as the glut of air travel coverage is causing more and more real stories to be canceled altogether. Read's data shows that local news operations have canceled dozens of real news stories, including coverage of the continuing pointless sacrifice of American blood in Iraq, the failure of the Bush Administration to mount a credible attack on Al Qaeda leaders cozily ensconced in Pakistan and the demolition of civil rights caused by the craven Democratic surrender on on warrantless wiretapping. "We expect this trend to continue at least through mid-September," Read warned.

The public's reaction to the media gridlock caused by endless coverage of airport delays varies. Some moan that the delays are causing them to miss important coverage. "The story about the airport delays ran on so long that I went to the fridge for another pint of ice cream, but by the time I got back, I missed the Mega Millions jackpot numbers," said a clearly disappointed Katherine T. Burke of Old Sludgebury, Mass.

Other experienced media watchers put up with the delays in coverage as the price they have to pay to enjoy the best of American journalism. "I do get tired waiting for the stories about airport delays to be over," admitted Shtupela Allova, 22, [Sure she is – Ed.], of Tuchifili, Latvia, who is staying in Old Sludgebury to work on her French [Surely, English? – Ed.].

"But I know that pretty soon the news will get to the important matters, like Lindsay Lohan's drug problem and Brittany Spears' how do you say train wreck?, so then I am happy again to be watching," Allova said.