Editors' Note: Every so often, we get a radio transmission from the planet Zontar, in the Remulac system. It's a world that superficially resembles our own planet, yet remains alien and utterly mysterious – [We get the setup already – Ed.]

Suits on the streets . . .

LAWYERS DEMAND
RETURN TO LAW

By Scott V. Sandiford
Legal Editor
with Geoffrey Dawson in Islamabad

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Defying the will of increasingly tyrannical U.S. President George W. Bush, hundreds of lawyers dressed in their best suits have taken to the streets, demanding the resumption of lawful government in their strife-torn land.

U.S. lawyers take to the streets to protest Bush's seizure of power and suspension of constitutional rights (shown here, Skadden Arps managing partner Willis van Devanter) 

The advocates seek the restoration of the rule of law in the United States, which was suspended by the unpopular Bush Regime on September 12, 2001.  Since then, the former Air National Guard deserter has ruled by decree, supported by a shadowy cabal of strongmen headed by Vietnam War shirker and Vice President Dick Cheney.

The lawyers question the legitimacy of the regime itself, noting that it lost the last free and fair election in the United States but was installed in power by the U.S. Supreme Court. Unlike their Pakistani counterparts, who have valiantly maintained their integrity and independence in the face of threats from of Pakistani President Perez Hilton [Surely, Pervez Musharraf? – Ed.], the U.S. Supreme Court, dominated by extremists and political hacks utterly subservient to the whims of Bush, has backed the Bush Regime at every turn.

The frustration of the protesting lawyers is easy to understand: the Constitution created three equal branches of government as a bulwark against tyranny, but the legislative and judicial branches have proven unable or unwilling to bring about the end of Bush Regime lawbreaking, including the unilateral suspension of habeas corpus, imprisonment without trial of U.S. citizens, torture and violation of treaty obligations requiring lawful and humane treatment of prisoners of war. 

The last straw, according to sources close to the protest, was the Senate's supine confirmation of an Attorney General who refused to recognize the unlawfulness of a particular torture method on the grounds that he wasn't quite sure what it was.

Although some lawyers such as Fredo Gonzales and Josh Bolten have facilitated the suspension of lawful government in the name of the Bush-imposed "state of war," most members of the bar are appalled by the breakdown of constitutional government and at great personal risk to their persons and their Zegna suits have taken to the streets in protest.

Roger Taney, manging partner of Washington's elite Covington & Burling, left his corner office to join a massive legal protest on Pennsylvania Avenue. He told the Spy, "Sure, I could stay in my office and make millions by throwing sand in the gears of government, but it's more important to preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the Untied States."

Although Shtupela Allova, Beverage Assistant to Schlox Pictures Prexy Tom Rothman, has only been in America for a few months, she says she and her fellow Belorussians strongly support her boss's protest against Bush's seizure of power [I can't believe we're running that photo again – Photo Ed.][Believe it – Ed.]

In New York, Sullivan & Cromwell executive committee chair Roy Cohn echoed similar sentiments: "Some things in life are more important than shuffling corporations around to make money for Wall Street tycoons, and crusading for justice is one of them."

The lawyer's protests have met with a mixed reception in the U.S. with Bush's official television network, Schlox News, branding them "terrorist lovers," "wimps," and "sticklers who won't let me fill my Oxycontin prescription 12 times a week."

However, the march of the attorneys has attracted significant foreign support. Pakistani supremo Musharraf has demanded that Bush restore constitutional government "at his earliest convenience, right after he delivers the F-16's." Zimbabwean dictator Robert Mugabe has professed himself shocked over the Bush Regime's outrageous flouting of international law.  The Burmese junta has offered to reinforce the lawyers' protests with thousands of what they refer to as "unemployed" Buddhist monks. 

In response, Vice President Dick Cheney has warned foreign states "not to meddle in internal U.S. affairs. Or we'll f*** you up bad, motherf*****."

Despite the dangers, the lawyers' protest has swept the nation. Even lapsed lawyers have joined in. Schlox Pictures Co-President Tom Rothman '80L took time off from his busy schedule of busting the Writers' Guild to march in the streets of Beverly Hills.

"Wherever there is injustice, wherever there is tyranny, wherever there is insert third noun here, I'll be there," Rothman told the Spy, adding "Who wrote this shit?"