Editors' Note: From his unparalleled vantage point in the lounge of Las Vegas's exclusive Plaza Hotel, our own political pundit nonpareil, David Bloviator, once again graciously consents to share his brilliant insights into the American political process with ignorant lumps like you. Don't believe what you read on those bitter, nasty Stalinist web sites; just accept what you're told from one of the greatest names in political prevarication [Surely, prognostication? – Ed.]

David Bloviator – he
reports and decides:

Campaign '08 plagued
by female trouble  

TMS: Tell us, Mr. Bloviator, what are your thoughts as the Democrats gather in Las Vegas for their 247th [Has this been fact-checked? – Copy Ed.] debate?

DB:  Once again this great democracy has kicked off its quadrennial race for the White House, demonstrating the enduring strength of our democratic institutions.

Spy political pundit David Bloviator, shown here getting his arms around the electorate

TMS:  Except when the Supreme Court sets the result aside, of course.

DB:  Dammit, man, this is the greatest country on earth. Why, do you know, as long as I play this clever little video poker game here, I can get as much free Chivas as I can drink.

TMS:  How much have you lost so far?

DB:  Who's counting?  It's all on the expense account, anyway.

TMS:  What are you hearing from the voters this season?

DB:  They seek a bipartisan solution to the Nation's pressing problems and grow ever more weary of the endless wrangling in Washington.

TMS:  What's the bipartisan solution to a war in Iraq the Republicans support and the Democrats oppose? What's the bipartisan solution to repeal of the New Deal, which the Republicans support and the Democrats oppose?  

DB:  Dammit, man, that's the kind of divisive thinking that plagues our nation. Look at Hillary Clinton – she represents the old partisan politics.

TMS:  Does she represent it or is it represented by Republican critics who have painted her as a Red terrorist-loving murdering Lesbian?

DB:  See, that's my point: she's a polarizing figure.

TMS:  More polarizing that Rudy Giuliani?

DB:  She is perceived as too strident, too radical and too political. She tries to be all things to all people.

TMS:  Isn't that true of everyone running for President, with the exception of Tom Tancredo?

DB: Yet she waffles on major issues like drivers' licenses for illegal aliens.

TMS:  Isn't her position identical to that of her Democratic opponents? And how can she be both too radical and too wishy-washy at the same time?

DB:  She carries the baggage from her husband's administration.

TMS:  You mean all that peace and prosperity?

DB:  No, I mean Whitewater, Filegate, Officegate, Monica-gate, Travel-gate and all the other scandals that plagued the Clinton presidency.

TMS:  But, with the exception of her husband's getting his weasel washed in the Oval Office, weren't all of those scandals manufactured by vitriolic Republican opposition?

DB:  That may be but she will have to reckon with them on the campaign trail.

TMS:  Only if they are passed off as true by credulous, lazy reporters.

DB:  And let's not forget her ill-fated foray into "Hillarycare." The Republicans will have a field day with that radical form of socialized medicine.

TMS:  Isn't Medicare "socialized medicine," too?

DB:  And your point is?

TMS:  Well, that the Republicans may be vulnerable to charges of hypocrisy if they support Medicare but oppose socialized medicine.

DB:  Now you sound like one of those bitter, angry bloggers who accuse me of being a "brain-dead hack."

TMS:  What other vulnerabilities do you perceive Sen. Clinton has?

DB:  Of course, she also has to contend with concerns about her authenticity.

TMS:  Only because establishment journalists like you and Maureen Dowd keep raising it.

DB:  Many say that her laugh, her dress, her applause, even her clothing is calculated rather than real.

TMS:  And how does that distinguish her from anyone else running for President?

Vegas debate watchers caught up in the excitement of questions to Hillary Clinton about her jewelry preferences

DB:  Dammit, I thought I could fill that inside straight. Give me another twenty, will you? She suffers in comparison to Sen. John McCain and his straight talk.

TMS:  Which straight talking McCain do you mean? The McCain who opposed tax cuts for the rich or the McCain who supported them? The McCain who stood up to intolerant fundamentalists or the McCain who sucked up to them?

DB:  Speaking of straight talk, let's see another double Chivas straight up, barkeep. And what do those pantsuits say about her fitness to be President?

TMS:  Nothing.  Why do you keep bringing it up?

DB:  Because she suffers from the perception that a woman is not tough enough to be Commander-in-Chief.

TMS:  Did you raise the same concerns about the current President, who was so weak and shiftless he deserted from the Alabama National Guard to conceal his cocaine abuse?

DB:  Of course not. That's completely different.

TMS:  Why?

DB:  Isn't it obvious?  Because George Bush had a – [That's enough David Bloviator – Ed.]