Yankee fans

Another year and another humiliating collapse for the most successful criminals in the South Bronx (and that's a fast league). They'll make a clean getaway as usual, although they may be surprised that no one else in Major League Baseball is as impressed with them as they and their agents are. But never mind the Yankee players; save your rachmoniss for their fans. After decades of wallowing in the reflected glory of Yankee teams that actually managed to win something, they are left to confront the sad emptiness of their miserable lives, not to mention a future of mediocrity extending as far as the eye can see, or, in other words, until the end of A-Rod's ludicrous contract. So the next time some nasal nitwit in a Jeter jersey tells you that the Yankees are going all the way next year, take pity on the clueless, even the annoying ones. Remember, these are the same people who elected Rudy Giuliani.  

Citicorp

It seemed like a great idea at the time – after all, the guys on the Goldman mortgage desk said it was easy money: package tens of billions of crappy mortgages into pools, issue AAA paper equal to 90% of the value of the pool at lower rates, and make money on the float and "management," all while keeping the toxic waste off of your balance sheet. Too bad that the whole thing was a house of cards, fated to collapse as soon as housing values no longer supported 110% loan-to-value no pay no doc no income loans.  Even too badder, when the collapse came, there was Goldman on the short side of the trade, profiting handsomely from the utter ruin of Citicorp and other schmucks, or, as they're known on Wall Street trading desks, "customers." 

Kim Kardashian

It worked before: drop your gattkes and make a DVD of you polishing some crumbum's pocket rocket. Why then has poor Kim been reduced to a pathetic laughingstock doomed to life on the D- list, whilst her skinny-assed role model still flounces around from Vegas to Cannes? We'd hate to think it's just because Kim's got a tuchus like a John Deere cultivator. Hell, what's wrong with that? And it can't be due to a lack of parental support – after all how many moms would prattle on camera to convicted reality-porn producers in the hope of getting Kim an, um, "audition?" Maybe the market for chubby slutty brunettes is, shall we say, glutted? Come to think of it, no one knows or cares who [Surely, what? – Ed.] Monica Lewinsky is doing these days. It seems unfair to us, too.  

McClellan was carefully prepped for his book tour

Scott McClellan

It's become an enduring staple of cable news: a former Bush Administration functionary, desperate to earn his advance, tries to rehabilitate his image and re-enter civil society, or at least the Georgetown Whole Foods, by telling the world that he didn't mean to lie us into war, disaster, torture and disgrace; it's that he himself was lied to by persons unknown. Maybe Colin Powell or George Tenet could get away with such faux naiveté, but it's no sale for sweaty ex-flack McClellan.  He's the press secretary; of course everyone's going to lie to him. The job is to figure out how not to repeat the lies on videotape. Let's face it: Scott was the worst Republican dancer since Tucker Carlson. If you're going to stand behind the podium and sling it, best to look like a cable newsman or E! News hostess. That way, you can shovel whatever you want, smile pretty, and let the media choke on it. Now Scott's fallen into the bottomless chasm separating the Dark Side, dba the Bush Administration, and civilization, a chasm where no one can hear you scream. What's worse, no one cares.