New owners promise . . .

WE'LL KEEP THOSE SOX TRADITIONS!

By Sisyphus Red Sox Correspondent      The new owners of the Olde Towne Team have promised Sox fans everywhere that just because they dropped $790,000,000 into a decrepit franchise doesn't mean that anything will change (except for ticket prices, of course).     "This team has a glorious tradition of being run into the ground by rich idiots," said Tom Carsey. "You can bet that we'll do just as lousy a job of running this team as Tom Yawkey ever did," he added before excusing himself to take an important call from "NBC television."      "Tom Yawkey made the Red Sox what they are today by a winning combination of bad judgment, alcoholism, racism and hiring the biggest schmucks in baseball. I don't see any reason to change anything," enthused new owner John Henry. Henry quickly added that despite their desire to mirror Yawkey's wretched judgment in front office executives, even the new owners were not dim enough to employ Dan Duquette as General Manager. Henry did suggest that the new owners might bring hard-drinking racist Mike Higgins out of retirement [don't you mean out of the grave? -- Sports Ed.] to take over the reins as GM.     "We'll be loading up the team with washed-up free agents and slow-moving sluggers," Henry added. "We'll spend a lot of money, but we'll never have enough quality pitching to catch the Yankees," he vowed. He also told fans they could expect $5 hot dogs and $10 beers next year.      Well known baseball expert Arthur Sulzberger, minority owner of the team, echoed the sentiments of his managing partners. "We know that the Boston Lead Rocks are among the premier franchises in American sports and we don't want to tamper with their winning formula," he told the Spy. Informed that in fact the Red Sox had not won a World Series since 1918, he referred all further questions to his Special Assistant for Baseball Operations, Maureen Dowd.      As the pitchers and catchers prepare to report late to spring training at Pail o' Muck Park in Fort Myers, Red Sox fans expressed their usual good cheer. "It's the same bunch of stiffs they had last year," groused MDC cop Jimmy Burke, recuperating on disability leave from a strained back he suffered in 1967. "I'd like to take these losers out and shoot them," offered a Sox fan who gave his name only as "Whitey."     With the inspiring new leadership in the Red Sox front office, Sox fans can expect more chills and thrills this summer as the Sox stagger to another third-place finish. The disappointments of Harrington era is over, and change is in the air. Just don't expect any change from the ten-spot you passed down to the vendor for a dog and a soda.		The Red Sox equipment truck (shown here with driver Dan Duquette) left Fenway Park, carrying the hopes and dreams of Sox fans everywhere.
		Sources close to the new Red Sox owners have told Shill Shamelessly exclusively that they expect to bring a World Series Championship back to Boston -- and ol' Shill says: you can take that to the bank. [The same bank used by the Yawkey Trust or a different bank? -- Sports Ed.]       Sox fans know that they can depend on ol' Shill for the straight scoop on the Sox -- and all of Boston's great sports teams, like the Patriots under the inspiring leadership of Robert Kraft or the Bruins under that enlightened sportsman Jeremy Jacobs.  Thanks for the cheese basket, Jeremy!  Much appreciated!         That's why you can believe ol' Shill when he tells you that the new Sox owners are continuing all the best traditions of the Yawkeys, like free refreshments and corned-beef sandwiches for the hard-working members of the press, not to mention exclusive dinner briefings for key columnists at Fort Myers' exclusive all-you-can-eat Golden Corral (the good one, out past the Wal-Mart).  Even though John and Tom had to cancel out at the last minute on last week's "get-together". they still picked up ol' Shill's tab, not to mention his greens fees at the Alligator Acres par 3.  Talk about generous!     You may hear a lot of young punks sliming the new owners, claiming that they already destroyed two franchises -- San Diego and Florida.  Don't you believe those naysayers.   John Henry and Tom Carsey are two of the nicest gentlemen you will ever meet.  (Note to Tom: Ol' Shill has no problem whatsover getting up early, for example, to appear on the Today show.)       When you combine their considerable baseball talents with those of Arthur Sulzberger, under whose enlightened ownership Ol' Shill has prospered, you've stirred up a recipe for success as sure as Scotch and soda   By the way, thanks for the Johnny Walker, Johnny Henry! You can work up a powerful thirst getting the inside scoop for thy Spy's demanding readers!      Yep, the future under the new regime looks bright and ol' Shill isn't afraid to say so.  Let's hope it's not ruined by greedy players demanding "mo' money," carping fans claiming they're too poor to pay $4.00 for a hot dog (Boo-Hoo!!), or hack politicians who won't kick in a lousy few hundred million for a new stadium sprawling across 50 acres of privately-owned real estate.  If any of them try that stuff again, you can be sure you'll be hearing from ol' Shill.  Speaking of hearing from ol' Shill, by the way, John and Tom, nothing washes down a corned-beef sandwich better than Bud Light. Man cannot write by Scotch alone.