Journalism
102W:
All purpose Bush foreign policy disaster story
Editors'
Note: Ever wanted to be a glamorous highly-paid foreign
correspondent? Do you look like Lara Logan? If so,
send us your
picture flaunt it, girlfriend, you've got it made!
If not, you're
going to have to learn the ropes. To assist you in your training,
the Spy
offers you this handy do-it-yourself guide to the hellhole in turmoil
story. (No, we're not
referring to Iowa and New Hampshire. We'll save those lessons
for another day.) To make it simple enough for a Schlox News bimbo
we've
written the story for you. All you have to do is fill in a
few blanks and check the boxes, and, presto, you're a
full-fledged foreign correspondent. Now, how about that opening in
Baghdad? 
You've
got three minutes of tape like this and an hour to prepare your VO.
Now what? Just fill in the blanks below!
[Name
of
Hellhole]
IN
CHAOS
CITY
– The streets of
City were plagued by
¤
roving bands of gunmen
¤
rock-throwing rioters
¤
Tila Tequila
in the wake of the
¤
assassination of
¤
defeat of
¤
release of a sex tape starring
opposition
leader
, who had
recently returned to strife-torn
after spending
many years
¤ in
exile
¤
teaching at the London School of Economics
¤
dealing blackjack in Reno. The street violence in
threatens to spill over to
¤
neighboring countries
¤
the entire Middle East (N.B. confirm that country is within
5,000 miles of Jerusalem)
¤
"The View"
and
if unchecked could cut off access to vital supplies of
¤
oil
¤
supermodels
¤
orphans for Brad and Angelina. Bloody violence has been a staple of life in
ever since
¤
the U.S. invasion of Iraq.
¤
it seceded from the Ottoman Empire in 1347.
¤
Dick Cheney dropped in with a shotgun.
World leaders rushed to condemn the violence.
Iranian Prime Minister Mahmoud Ahmadinejad blamed the rioting
on ¤
the U.S. invasion of Iraq
¤
a creeping tide of Western secularism evidenced by TV shows like
"Desperate Housewives"
¤
the Jews
while
U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice responded by
¤
cutting short her shoe-buying expedition in Paris.
¤
denying that this represented a setback for U.S. policy in the region.
¤
filling her pantalones. On
the campaign trail the candidates were quick to weigh in on the strife
in
.
Embattled Republican Presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani
said that the U.S. should respond to the crisis by
¤
bombing Iran
¤
deporting anyone whose middle name is "Hussein"
¤
heading off to a hot weekend in the Hamptons with his newest floozy
while the
new Republican frontrunner Mike
Huckabee
¤
advocated building a wall along the Rio Grande to protect Arkansas from
terrorists from
who
managed to cross two continents and an ocean to get to Mexico
¤
sent Chuck Norris to "kick ass and take names"
¤
said the unrest demonstrated the dangers of believing in evolution
and former
Democratic frontrunner Sen. Hillary
Clinton said
¤
"This shows that foreign policy is no place for amateurs."
¤
whatever Mark Penn told her to say.
¤
"And you want to nominate a guy whose middle name is Hussein?"
Regional
experts said the situation was complex and difficult. [name of gasbag],
¤
a Professor at Harvard's Kennedy School of
Government,
¤ Dean of the Johns Hopkins School of Advanced International
Studies,
¤
my sound guy's brother-in-law, said that the
unrest was an inevitable outgrowth of
¤
the Prime Minister's close alliance with George Bush.
¤
the Prime Minister's close alliance with Lindsay Lohan.
¤
whatever crap I put in my last op-ed piece.
He
cautioned that the situation in
remains in flux with the outcome
¤
still in doubt
¤
unforeseeable
¤
sure to be another f****** disaster.
At the Presidential "Ranch" in Crawford, Texas,
President George W. Bush responded to the crisis by
¤
falling off his bicycle
¤
asking Condi to show him where the f***
was on a map
¤
assuring the country that the economy has never been stronger and said
that the U.S. should address the situation by
¤
sending more troops to Iraq.
¤
cutting taxes on the rich.
¤
sending more troops to Iraq while cutting taxes on the rich. | 
