Editors' Note: The drama of Super Tuesday and the super flameouts of Wilfred M. Romney and Rudolph Giuliani have left us in desperate need of a dose of political sagacity from The Best Political One-Man Team in the History of American Journalism^® (suck on that, MSNBC!): the Spy's own David Bloviator. We were granted an audience with the Great One, perched as usual at the Best Place in America to cover the campaigns: the National Press Club bar in Washington.

David Bloviator – The Best Political One-Man Team in the History of American Journalism^®:

Maverick feasting on Democratic disarray 

TMS: Tell us, Mr. Bloviator, how would you characterize the current status of the Presidential election?

The Best Political One-Man Team in the History of American Journalism^® recently shared his unparalleled wisdom with you, the humble reader.

DB:  It's been a ride. More specifically, it's been a roller coaster ride. Lots of ups and downs, some sickening curves and lots of screaming.  

TMS:  It's certainly been a bad year for the pundits. For example, on Nov. 1 of last year, you wrote: "With media-savvy Fred Thompson in the race, the Republican field has been narrowed to a contest between Thompson and America's Mayor, Rudy Giuliani." What happened?

DB:  That was eons ago.  The whole political climate has been turned.

TMS:  Turned?   How so?

DB:  Upside down, man, upside down. Speaking of which, I've turned this glass upside down and there's no Scotch coming out of it. Get me another double like a good lad.

TMS:  So were you surprised when John McCain emerged as the clear front-runner.

DB:  Of course not.  Pundits are never surprised.  Circumstances change.

TMS:  What changed since you wrote in early January, "Despite an early setback in Iowa, with $50 million to spend, a handsome, chiseled countenance and a firm conservative message, Mitt Romney has to be considered the man to beat?"

DB:  He spent the $50 million.

TMS:  And got shellacked.

DB:  He had difficulty communicating his message.

TMS:  What was his message anyway?

DB:  I should be President.

TMS:  That seems reasonably clear.  What effect did it have on the electorate?

DB:  It did not stir the electorate.

TMS:  Did they rally to his cause?

DB:  They did not.  [For an alternative explanation, see box at right – Ed.]

TMS:  Let's talk about John McCain.  How would you describe the Senator from Arizona?

DB:  He is a maverick, a war hero and a clear break from the last eight years of the Bush Administration.

TMS:  He agrees with Bush on prolonging the Iraq War forever, tax cuts for the rich, eliminating a woman's right to choose an abortion and cutting the social safety net into ribbons.  What makes him such a clear break?

DB:  He is a man of principle.  He does not sway with the political winds.

TMS:  Then why did he oppose tax cuts for the rich in 2001 but support them to win support from Republican wingnuts in the primary?

DB:  He's a pragmatist.  A principled pragmatist.  And not only that, but on his plane, he calls me the "Dave-meister." And his wife – did you see her after the Florida primary? She's built like a brick –

TMS:  Maybe we'd better move on to the Democratic race.  How would you describe it?

DB:  A horse race.  A dead heat.  A battle to the wire.  

TMS:  Does this close race threaten?

DB:  It does indeed.

TMS:  What does it threaten?

DB:  It threatens a brokered convention.  It threatens the kind of disharmony and discord that have plagued the Democrats for years.

TMS:  What about Republican discord, when you have influential conservative transsexuals like Ann Coulter vowing to vote for Hillary before she votes for McCain?

DB:  The Republicans will unite behind their candidate.

TMS:  Despite the threats of their blabbering talk show hosts?

DB:  The Republicans will be united by their hatred.

TMS:  Hatred of what?

DB:  Hatred of Hillary.

TMS:  What if Obama is the nominee?

DB:  The Republicans will be united by their hatred.

TMS:  Of Obama?

DB:  Among other things.

TMS:  Turning to the Democrats, are you willing to predict who will be the nominee?

DB:  It requires a look.

TMS:  A look at what?

DB: A look at the old crystal ball, you nitwit.

TMS:  Looking into your crystal ball, what do you see?

DB:  Ask again later.

TMS:  Are you looking into your crystal ball or your magic 8-ball?

DB:  Look at the time. I have to get to a cocktail party, I mean, press conference at John and Cindy's.

TMS:  Thank you, Mr. Bloviator.