Talk about a good day!

U.S. ATT'Y: WAR ON CRIME WON

By Scott V. Sandiford
Legal Correspondent
with Maria Boroaroma
in New York

NEW YORK – Michael Garcia, Bush's hand-picked choice for U.S. Attorney for the Southern District of New York, told an excited nation that the U.S. Department of Justice had won the war on crime. "To borrow a phrase from my boss, mentor and inspiration," Garcia said, "it's mission accomplished."

Garcia made his remarks at a packed press conference, with reporters straining and squirming to catch his every word. He said that the Bush Administration had won the wars on crime, terror, drugs, sexual abuse of minors, environmental despoliation and exploiters of workers and illegal migrants.

 
U.S. Attorney Michael Garcia celebrates the U.S. victory over crime with AUSA Sadie Nussbaum

"Now that victory is ours on all these fronts, we are free to concentrate the full resources of the Federal criminal justice system on ruining the lives of middle-aged men who pay for pootie."

The Bush Administration functionary invited skeptical members of the press to look around for themselves. "Try to buy illegal drugs in New York City. It can't be done. Fuhgedabouddit," Garcia said.

Similarly, he said that organized crime had disappeared not only from New York but also all other major American cities. The resources formerly devoted to combating organized crime, Garcia said, would be redeployed to catching Democratic politicians with their pants down." [Surely, eradicating the shame of prostitution? – Ed.]

The U.S. Attorney pointed to his own office as an example of America's crime free status. "You can bet that none of the AUSA's or investigators in this or any other office ever ingested an illegal drug, made a misstatement on any federal form stating that it was being signed under penalties of perjury or used the instrumentalities of interstate commerce to place or collect a wager," he said. [Ha! – Ed.]

Garcia sought to downplay concerns that hooker-lovin' Gov. Eliot Spitzer had been targeted due to his political affiliations and his penchant for indicting and in a few cases convicting well-connected Wall Streeters.

"I have looked into accusations that the investigation into Gov. Spitzer's disgusting and career-ending cavorting with a big-buck call girl on at least eleven occasions was politically motivated. Karl Rove assured me yesterday that nothing could be further from the truth."

"In fact," Garcia continued, "this Department of Justice has concluded that there is no law enforcement issue arising out of allegedly politically-motivated firings of U.S. attorneys for their failure to bring dubious cases against Democrats.  Nor was their any merit to allegations that highly-placed Administration sources pressured Federal prosecutors to indict the Democratic governor of Alabama on flimsy corruption charges despite the failure to allege or prove any personal gain on the part of the Governor."

"Anyone who thinks we'd target a Governor just because he's a Democrat must be smoking something and will be prosecuted on drug charges," Garcia warned.

"Accordingly, I have reassigned the prosecutors in the Public Integrity Section to protecting law-abiding hotel guests from the plague of paid sexual assignations across the hall."

New York Governor Eliot Spitzer conferred with his personal staff (known as the "Spitzerettes") before making the painful decision to resign

The news that crime in America had diminished to the point that all law enforcement resources could be devoted to chasing down straying middle-aged men was well received by New Yorkers, who had struggled for years with the apparently undeserved reputation of their city as a cesspool of corruption, drug dealing and organized crime.

"Hey, he's not telling me anything I don't know," said Vito Gambone, President of the National Loansharks Association, a valued Spy advertiser.  "All this stuff about organized crime profiting from drugs and extortion only happens in the movies. So stop busting my f***** balls already."

"I call this the feel-good story of the year," exulted Spitzer bullseye Dick Grasso, who also proclaimed himself "shocked, shocked" to learn that some rich men would pay cash for prostitutes. "Hell, the trading desk can get you 18-year-old Siamese twins for $10 million in tickets," Grasso told the Spy. "You know, you're not so bad yourself, Maria." 

Politicians were likewise gobsmacked by the news of Spitzer's downfall. "What the hell was he thinking?" asked a prominent Democrat who asked to be identified only as "Bill." "Why do you think they invented interns?"