By Maria Boroaroma
on Wall Street [More precisely, five stops away on the N express – Ed.]

Up and down Wall Street, all signs point to utter disaster, catastrophe, ruin and – worst of all – I may have to move back to Bensonhurst! Again! [For Maria's previous panic, click here – Ed.]  

With the collapse of the markets for worthless sub-prime mortgages and the overleveraged "structured investment vehicles" stuffed to bursting with paper backed by those bum mortgages, some of Wall Street's most respected names have been put out of their misery.

The stunning demise of former investment banking colossus Bear Stearns has shocked experienced observers of financial markets, who can't recall any similar meltdowns caused by poorly understood and managed risks, except Continental Bank, LTCM, Mexican and other Latin American sovereign debt, the "burning bed" that consumed First Boston, the – [We get the point, Maria. – Ed.]

Even experienced Wall Streeters were caught off guard by the sudden demise of Bear Stearns. Just last Sunday morning, that guy Vinny who worked on Bear's trading desk pulling down seven figures (or so he said) promised he'd call the next day, but I guess he's been too busy to call even thought he said I was the only girl he'd ever met who on the first date would – [Get back to the story, Maria – Ed.] 

Experts predict that the skyrocketing foreclosure rates on improvidently granted mortgages and the corresponding crushing deflation in residential real estate will deal a knockout blow to consumer spending, which had been propped up by homeowners' tapping the illusory equity in their homes.

As a result, overstretched consumers, no longer able to live off their houses, are putting food and gas on credit cards, running up balances they cannot hope to repay. Soon enough, they will have exhausted their credit lines, leaving them with no recourse but to go back to living with their parents, even if they'd sooner die than have to explain to my mother why they didn't get home until seven in the morning – [We're digressing again – Ed.]

What's behind the meltdown? Siding salesman [Surely, financial guru? – Ed.] Leo Luftmensch fingers

— The awesome destructive power of leverage. If you've got $300 billion in debt and $310 billion in assets, a 5% decline in the value of your assets wipes you out. It's like playing Russian Roulette with bullets in five chambers.

— Bush Administration incompetence.  The rigid ideologues charged with overseeing our overheated financial markets were either asleep as the switch or so blinded by libertarian theology that they failed to take prudent steps to forestall the inevitable meltdown.

— Alan Greenspan. The senescent old fool kept telling the public that the rising price of real estate was not a bubble that when burst would bring down the entire American financial system.  Good one, Alan.

— Unsustainable mortgages. What were lenders thinking in writing no-doc loans that allowed unsuitable lenders to defer interest payments until their total debt exceeded the value of the house, thereby making default and foreclosure inevitable? And why would any rating agency bestow a top AAA rating on such obviously worthless mortgage-backed paper?

Let's face it: the whole housing boom was a Ponzi scheme, premised on the belief that house prices would rise forever. What kind of schmuck would be taken in by such a ridiculous premise?

We put that question to fitness instructor and former mortgage trader Vito Tangentali, who said the collapse of the mortgage-backed securities market was inevitable.

"I can't believe that sophisticated investors were suckered in buying pools of virtually worthless mortgages, but, hey, it paid for my Bimmer, " Tangentali said.

"Speaking of collapsing, Maria, have you seen your butt lately? You need to get to the gym and cut down on the cannoli." [At least I don't have a mustache, like Mrs. Tangentali – Maria]

[That's quite enough Maria – Ed.]