McCain
calls for
a new alliance
By David Bloviator
Political
Editor
LEISURE
WORLD, Arizona – Anointed
Republican Presidential candidate John McCain,
on a tour to burnish his foreign policy credentials and shake down
reactionary Republicans for pelf, announced a bold new foreign policy
initiative to an appreciative crowd of fellow seniors at the local
Denny's.
 McCain supporters cheer the
Republican presidential candidate's plan to vanquish our foes by
unleashing a new Justice League of America
McCain, seeking to
distract public attention from the endless war of attrition
between
his Democratic rivals, has raised his public profile by crafting
foreign-policy proposals that both reflect his sophisticated world view
and depart from the ignorant unilateralism practiced by the
Bush Administration. Mindful of
the need to appeal to the fundamentalist xenophobes that make up the
Republican base, McCain avoided any endorsement of the United Nations
as a forum for the resolution of international disputes. Instead, he proposed a new multilateral
organization of like- minded democracies to wage the various wars he
would inherit if elected by the voters or installed by the
Supreme Court and the new wars he would start should any raghead piss
him off. "We can't go it alone,"
Senator McCain told the crowd, interrupted by the cries of
enthusiastic supporters asking their wives, "Wha'd he say?" "But we can't depend on fuzzy-thinking
one-world black-helicopter-launching pagans and infidels at the UN,
either.
We need a new organization of Christian
Democracies, plus our good buddies in Israel, to lay down the law to
these Arab terrorists like Al Qaeda, Hezbollah and Iran.
You read it
first in the Spy (Freddie
Hiatt '76
pile-on edition) TMS:
Don't you think you owe your readers some
explanation of your obdurate efforts to link Saddam Hussein to 9-11 in
the absence of any evidence that Hussein provided any aid to al-Qaeda
before or after the 9/11 attacks? D[avid]
B[loviator]: Certainly not. Prior to
2003, the United States
vowed many times to disarm Saddam Hussein, who made no secret of his
hatred and enmity toward the United States, but when the Iraqi dictator
resisted, the United States chose to abandon its vows rather than use
the force that would have been needed to enforce them. In every case,
the calculation, stated or unstated, was the same: Pay tribute, don't
make trouble, and maybe nothing worse will happen. In the ruins of
Lower Manhattan in September 2001, most Americans saw evidence that
this calculation was incorrect as well as craven. The nation's enemies
would not be deterred or mollified by a gentle response; they would be
emboldened. President Bush rightly concluded that the nation had to
defend itself more vigilantly but also that no defense could succeed
unless accompanied by an offensive against the terrorists and the
states that sheltered them. . . . TMS:
Why can't you just admit you were wrong to support the war?
DB: Admit
I was wrong? Are you mad? What kind of a pundit would I be if I were
ever wrong? My God, man, I can see you weren't an editor of an Ivy
League college newspaper. Editors'
Note: As unbelievable (and unbearable) as David Bloviator's
assertions sound, most of them were in fact plagiarized from Washington
Post editorials written by Gen. Fred Hiatt '76, of the
101.1st Hot Air Force. – Spy interview
with Political Editor David Bloviator, April 8, 2006. By
now, nearly four years into the Iraq war and related controversies, one
is tempted to simply disregard The
Washington Post Editorial Page . . .
on those matters. They have been so wrong on nearly
everything for so long. . . . But rather than have
all that copy and hard work on the opinion page go to waste, I suggest
you try to imagine any Iraq-related editorial in the Post as a typical
exchange between Jon Stewart and an out-to-lunch "correspondent" on The
Daily Show . . . . – Greg Stewart in Editor & Publisher,
March 11, 2007.
After his keeper Sen. Joe
Lieberman (Joe
Lieberman – Conn.) straightened him out, McCain said, "Of
course, we know that Iran is not a hotbed of Arabic terrorism, just
Islamic terrorism. Everyone knows that. I'm just a
little tied up, if you catch my drift." If only Hillary
Clinton spoke with such candor! "Anyway,
I'm proposing a new organization to spread the wonders of democracy and
freedom through hot lead and cold steel, which I'm calling the Justice
League of America."
"This mighty
force, comprising all the world's democratic superpowers and
superheroes, will give those Islamofascists something to think about,
you can bet on that!" As his most
recent trophy wife looked on adoringly, McCain said, "Imagine what that
Mamoud Jimmy-Man and his fellow mullahs in Iran would think when they
see not only the U.S. Air Force coming over the horizon, cannons
blazing, but also our allies like Captain America and the Incredible
Hulk." Following another whisper
from Sen. Lieberman, McCain continued, "Of course, everyone knows that
that Mamoud guy is not a mullah, but a secular head of government.
But don't worry, there's a 50mm shell with his name on it
anyway!"
After the speech and a Grand Slam burger
special, the plain-spoken Senator, restored by a short nap and the
effects of a tall glass of Metamucil, explained his proposal to
traveling
reporters eager to soak up the wisdom of a genuine war hero who
actually invited reporters back to his house for a barbecue and let
them talk to his wife, the beautiful Cindy, who's got a rack on her
– [David,
get back to the point – Ed.] "We'll
invite 'em all, even the Frenchies and
the Wops," McCain said. "We'll put 'em in the front lines, so
they can surrender while our Air Force drops a few big ones right up
the ass of the Iranian Army." To
get at the underground installations supposedly being used by Iran to
develop nuclear weapons, McCain said the superhero members of the
Justice League of America would use their superpowers to break through
the Iranian defenses and vaporize the nuclear installations
with X-ray vision. "Or they can just open up a two-gallon can
of
whoop-ass," the Senator chuckled. When
some wiener reporter for a foreign newspaper suggested to Sen.
McCain that using superheroes to destroy nuclear installations was a
"high-risk undertaking," McCain, drawing on his over 30 years of combat
and foreign policy experience, replied, "Go f*** yourself with Barack
Obama's d***." McCain then cut
the impromptu press conference short, explaining that he had to prepare
for an upcoming Early Bird dinner at the Morrison's Cafeteria in Sun
City.
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