The Massachusetts SpyVolume CCXXXVIII, Number 203 April 21, 2008
Ink-stained wretches

Eye on the prize . . .

Who could ever replace Katie?

Editors' Note: Only two years after TV critics predicted that Katie Couric's tenure as the anchor of the CBS Evening News would end in disaster, it's ending in . . . well, you get the picture. Some CBS insiders predict that the whole show will be canceled in favor of an expanded edition of 'Inside Hollywood.' On the off chance that Sumner's Broadcasting System decides to retain whatever shreds of dignity it possesses, they're going to need a new tuchus in the anchor chair. What mortal buns could do the trick? This week, the Spy rounds up the most likely replacements, and, helpful as always, provides their pros and cons.

WALTER CRONKITE

He doesn't look a day over 80

PROS

  • Tanned, rested and ready
  • Credible and authoritative
  • Would never be described as perky

CONS

  • Can't stay up until 6:30 p.m.
  • Mike Wallace would resent anchor chair going to younger man
  • Last viewer who remembered Cronkite died in 2005

LES MOONVES

The next anchor of the CBS Evening News? 

PROS

  • Needs a new job
  • Knows how to suck up to Sumner
  • Narcissistic, arrogant, not as smart as he thinks – the perfect anchor

CONS

  • Two fake journalists in one household may lead to tension
  • Seems to have no idea of the world around him, judging by his record at CBS
  • May already be slotted by Sumner as new host of Survivor – Antarctica

HILLARY CLINTON

But is she perky enough?

PROS

  • More gravitas than Chet Huntley [Who? – Ed.]
  • Looking for new gig
  • Performs well under sniper fire

CONS

  • Lacks warm, sincere fake laugh
  • Don't look for chit-chat during throw to other correspondents
  • Would be replacing one unendurable woman with another

GEORGE W. BUSH

He's got the hair for it

PROS

  • Available January 2009
  • Well-groomed
  • Likely to mix well with affiliates

CONS

  • Not known for familiarity with current events
  • Can he pass drug and alcohol test?
  • No one believes a f****n' thing he says

ANGELINA JOLIE

Of course you'd watch 

PROS

  • Interested in current affairs
  • Appeals to younger demographic
  • Role model for working moms

CONS

  • Can she read?
  • Might demand Brad take over "Face the Nation"
  • Could get into fight with Lara Logan [And the problem is? – Ed.]

DAVID LETTERMAN

And he's already under contract

PROS

  • Has news experience
  • Good behind a desk
  • More familiar with current events than other candidates

CONS

  • Hairpiece not "the way it is"
  • Likely to insist on Paul Schaffer and the CBS Evening News orchestra
  • [That's enough candidates – Ed.]


 

The Massachusetts Spy is made possible by a generous grant from Guns Gone Wild, recipient of a $300 million Pentagon contract


Guns gone wild -- approved by the U.S. Army!

Yo, dog! Do you need to pretend to supply a foreign ally on the cheap? Overthrow an African dictatorship as a paid mercenary? Or simply teach your dorm mates a lesson they won't soon forget? For one-stop shopping for guns and ammo, give your homeys a shout-out. Our trained staff of 22-year-old Israeli masseurs and baristas will scour the globe for the best in gently used, barely obsolete guns and ammo and ship them to you in plain brown boxes for your protection! Hey, if it was good enough for the U.S. Army, it's good enough for you! Just text the word BANG! to Guns Gone Wild on your cell phone.
Guns Gone Wild

c/o The U.P.S. Store
Dadeland Shopping Mall
Miami, Fla.