Volume CCXXXII, Number 20    April, 2002    Worcester, Massachusetts    Since 1770


Winner of the 2002 David Brock Award for Consistency and Credibility


Calls practice "perverse"

CARDINAL OPPOSES
SAME SEX MARRIAGE

By Charles Coughlin
Religion Editor

Efforts by homo perverts to bless their sin with the sacrament of marriage were dealt a heavy blow by Christ's Vicar on Beacon Hill, the Most Reverend Bernard Cardinal Law.

In powerful testimony before the House Committee on Grandstanding, the Prince of the Church told the solons in no uncertain terms that same-sex marriage was "evil."

Our Father
His Graceful Eminence Cardinal Law shepherding his flock away from the garden of impure thoughts and deeds and into the green fields of justice and righteousness

"No ifs, ands or buts about it!"

Cardinal Law explained to a rapt audience of four broken-down sots looking for some TV exposure, twenty old ladies who follow him everywhere and six bums rolling out of the ground floor men's room, that "the Bible says that the only decent, moral sexual relationship is between a married man and a married woman for the purpose of procreation. Anything else is a disgusting, vile sin that I won't tolerate, and you won't either."

Some of the perverts grasping for the imprimatur of the Commonwealth on their wanton ways professed surprise at the Cardinal's stern tone. "My partner and I have been together 10 years and have two children. I was hoping we could provide them the same legal rights as other children," whined Margaret O'Reilly-Rosenberg of Jamaica Plain. "Now Cardinal Law has shown me the error of my views. I plan to seek his absolution."

Her so-called partner, Leah O'Reilly-Rosenberg, muttered that the Cardinal was one "sick duck," but would not expand on her remarks for the Spy.

The Chairman of the House Committee, Rep. Jimmy Burke of Old Sludgebury, thanked the Cardinal for his views. "Your moral leadership continues to be a source of inspiration to us all," he told Law. At this point the hearing was briefly adjourned to allow the Cardinal to take an "urgent call" from San Diego.

While the Cardinal was first on the telephone and then conferring with the Treasurer of the Archdiocese, Church Spokesman Fr. Joseph the Casuist took the opportunity to dispel the ridiculous rumors that the Church has concealed widespread rapes of children by priests. "First of all, as Joe Fitzgerald pointed out in the Record, if the young man is over 11, it's not pedophilia at all. It's just a normal part of adolescent sexual exploit -- uh, exploration."

The cleric borrowed a homely analogy from that other great Boston pastime, baseball. "It's just like the Red Sox," he said, with a twinkle in his pocket [You mean eye, don't you? -- Ed.] "If there's grass on the field, you can swing your bat."

 

The Massachusetts Spy is made possible by a generous grant from the Alan Dershowitz Center for the Overexposed

An important message from Alan Dershowitz:

"For no more than the cost of one of my quickie books, you can help the overexposed!"




The sylvan setting of the Dershowitz Center provides a respite for critically overexposed celebrities


"My friends [of which you have many I am sure -- Ed.][You can't interrupt a paid ad -- Pub.], how many times have you witnessed the tragic spectacle of a once-mighty celebrity destroyed by overexposure?"

"Some of my closest friends, or at least clients, have been ruined by overexposure. Every day, scientists estimate, another 1.5 celebrities will become overexposed. Just today, Britany Spears was struck by this dread affliction. Only last month, the gunsel formerly know as Puff Daddy. And who knows when J. Lo will lose the rest of her name to overexposure?"

"But there is hope. Thanks to the wonderful efforts of people like me -- well, me, actually -- there's a special place where the overexposed can go for desperately-needed treatment. That haven is known as the Alan Dershowitz Center for the Overexposed. Located in obscure Pierre, South Dakota, the Alan Dershowitz Center provides the solitude and the therapy the overexposed want and need."

"Our graduates include overexposed movie stars like Arnold Schwarzenegger [That case didn't turn out so well – Archives Ed.], rock stars like the New Kids on the Block, politicians like Gary Condit, athletes like Jose Canseco, and just ordinary folks stricken with overexposure like Marc Rich. When was the last time you heard from any of them? At the Dershowitz Center, we get results."

"But the need grows every day. For every Jane Fonda, there's an Angelica Jolie. For every Emeril, there's a Martha Stewart. We've cured Jerry Lewis, but we haven't been able to reach Jerry Seinfeld. Please give generously and provide hope for the Oprah Winfreys and Donald Rumsfelds that need us so desperately. They will thank you. Even better, so will I."



The Alan Dershowitz Center for the Overexposed

One Alan Dershowitz Way
Alan Dershowitz Village
Pierre, South Dakota

Alan Dershowitz, Chairman