The Ombudsman Janet Cooke

Editors' Note: Several years ago, certain Spy reporters were accused of, um, making stuff up. After extensive investigation into these charges, it turned out that they did. (See here and here.) To minimize the chances of a recurrence and settle certain frivolous lawsuits, the Spy retained a leading expert in the field, former Washington Post reporter and short-term Pulitzer Prize winner Janet Cooke, to take the job of Ombudsman. In this position, she fearlessly investigates reader complaints about Spy coverage and, when the Editorial Board agrees to hang the offender out to dry, reports the results. Here's the results of her first investigations. 

By Janet Cooke
Assistant Managing Editor [No, she isn't – Ed.]

Savvy Washington insider David Bloviator

For those of you who may not be familiar with me, after a distinguished career in journalism and show business [I thought she said that stripper story was false – Ed.], I was recruited by the Spy [Didn't she camp out in the lobby for four months? – Ed.] to serve as the reader's representative and the conscience of the newspaper.  

My first investigation was sparked by an anonymous complaint from Spy Stylized Life Editor Bella Whiner, who asked whether there was a conflict of interest arising from Political Editor David Bloviator's acceptance of honorariums for addressing various organizations concerned with public policy.

The anonymous complaint listed a series of speaking engagements, the fees received by Bloviator for each appearance (ranging from a case of Chivas to $10,000), and columns written by Bloviator that Bella claimed showed the influence of the fees.

I confronted David with these accusations and after a great weekend in Washington I am happy to assure the readers of the Spy that Bella's complaint is completely without foundation and represent nothing more than the bitterness of a passed-over middle-aged woman suffering from hot – [That will do – Ed.].

This just in

Some parents of students at Old Sludgebury High School have questioned recent reports by Spy Metro Correspondent Nollie Tangere '03 about a so-called "sex ring" at the High School.

Tangere's front-page articles alleged that a number of sophomores and juniors at the school had agreed to form a sex ring and met during school hours to plan the activities of the sex ring.

The story also contained corroborating statements from 78 male students at the High School, all of whom claimed they had been invited to participate in the sex ring because they were "such studs."

Spy Metro Correspondent Nollie Tangere '03

The complaining parents said that Tangere had misunderstood the comments of junior Brittany M. Burke, who was said to be the mastermind of the so-called "sex ring."

According to them, Burke and her friends were in fact planning a craft project to make their own "Sox rings," which would be replicas of the Boston Red Sox 2007 World Championship Rings. The students would wear the rings to show support for the Red Sox.

We believe that Tangere's (who is not nearly as hot as she thinks she is, by the way) report was sensationalized and thinly-sourced and should never have run, although Ms. Burke did admit to me that she would be happy to bear Jonathan Papelbon's baby.

– J.C.

Specifically, Whiner complained that Bloviator had accepted a $10,000 speaking fee for addressing the Cigarette Manufacturers Association annual convention in Las Vegas. Bloviator contends that his integrity is not for sale and that the fee was appropriate compensation for sharing his peerless political insights with public-spirited business leaders.

Contrary to Whiner's insinuations, I do not believe that Bloviator's columns entitled "Communist Congressmen Seeking to Regulate Cigarettes Out of Existence," "Cigarettes and their Role in the Fight Against Teen Obesity," and "Ambulance Chasers Try to Extort Billions from Tobacco Companies" were influenced in any way by his speaking fee. Bloviator explained that he has long been an advocate of free markets and limited government and would have written the columns even if he had only received $1,000 [Surely, regardless of the speaking engagement? – Ed.].

The second accusation was made by the Old Sludgebury Citizens for Hillary Clinton, who alleged that Hacky Carp's Spy columns during the Democratic Presidential nominating contest were infected by gender-based slurs against their candidate, Sen. Hillary Clinton. The head of the group, Jane Doe [Is that her name or is Janet just making it up? – Copy Ed.], who is if anything even homelier and more disagreeable than Bella Whiner, sent me clippings of several of Carp's columns.

After extensive analysis and a lengthy discussion with Carp at the fabulous new MGM Grand Hotel and Casino at Foxwoods, I have decided that Smith's [I thought her name was Doe – Ed.] charges are completely without merit.

Must-read straight shooter Hacky Carp

Carp told me that he was proud of his vigorous, sometimes salty, language and that his comments about Sen. Clinton's "fat ass," "ugly moon face," "hideous low-rent pantsuits," and "angry, bitter screeching which reminded men of why they dumped their first wives," were all within the bounds of fair political comment.

Doe pointed to a series of statement by Carp which she said evidenced his gender bias, including:

• "Hillary Clinton's got the biggest testicles in the Democratic Party"
• "We all know what the problem was with John Kerry: he never grew a pair"
• "John Edwards looks like the kind of guy whose package is kept in cold storage by his wife"
• "John McCain has got just what America needs: a big, swinging dick."

I find these statements to be consistent with Hacky Carp's policy of subjecting all political candidates to frank and candid commentary which I found hilarious.

Therefore, I find Doe's complaint to reflect nothing more than the anger and disappointment of a sullen middle-aged prune who couldn't get – [That's just about enough Cooke – Ed.]