Editors' Note: Every so often, we receive a dispatch from the planet Zontar, located millions of light years from Earth in the Remulac system. Although Zontar superficially resembles our own planet in certain respects, the differences are of course so enormous that any resemblance between their world and ours must be considered strictly coinci– [We get the setup. On with it. – Ed.]

U.S. IS OUTRAGED
BY TORTURE NEWS

By Scott V. Sandiford
Justice Correspondent with
Magnolia T. Hearst in Old Sludgebury

America has been roused out of its summertime torpor, not as expected by the Summer Olympics, but by revelations that senior government officials up to and including President George W. Bush frequently authorized torture and cruel and unusual treatment in contravention of domestic and international law and norms of civilized behavior.

Although rumors of torture and inhuman treatment of detainees at the hands of the U.S. military and the Central Intelligence Agency had been circulating for some time, and had briefly provoked a crisis when photographs of detainee mistreatment at Abu Ghraib were published, the evidence accumulated by investigative journalists like Jane Mayer and Ron Suskind has thrust the torture issue back into the spotlight.

As thousands of email messages, blog posts and calls into politically-themed radio talk shows have demonstrated, the public regards torture and abusive treatment at the hands of U.S. officials as the number 1 issue facing the nation, eclipsing high gas prices, sinking home values and other issues relating solely to narrow self-interest.

According to the daily Gallup tracking poll, close to 8 out of 10 Americans are "concerned" or "deeply concerned" about brutalizing of U.S detainees, and 9 out of 10 agree with the statement that "Torture and abuse of helpless detainees and prisoners is inconsistent with American values."

The political firestorm over the torture revelations has been felt by the presidential campaigns, as the two candidates have sought to outdo each other in their condemnation of the brutal and gruesome practices approved by high Bush Administration officials and the President himself. Both major party nominees have pledged to outlaw cruel and abusive treatment of detainees and prisoners and to respect the Geneva Conventions.

However, it appears that such statements are not sufficient to placate the public anger. Sen. John McCain promised an audience of motorcycle gangs and strippers in South Dakota last week that he would prosecute any Bush Administration official found to have ordered, committed or authorized torture or abusive treatment, including waterboarding, sleep deprivation, painful shackling and exposing detainees to extremes of heat or cold.  His audience enthusiastically welcomed his remarks by revving their Harleys and sliding down poles, respectively.

His opponent, Sen. Barack Obama, warned President Bush not to pardon those who committed what he called "revolting acts," and said anyone pardoned would be subject to extradition for trial in allied countries under the principle of universal jurisdiction.

The outrage over the well-documented torture claims transcends party and faction. The Very Rev. James Dobson, the Holy Roller founder of Tie Up Your Family [Check title – Ed.] said that "Jesus Christ himself was a victim of torture. No Christian can remain silent when other men suffer His fate."

Similarly, the Cuban Reconquista Association in Miami issued a statement saying: "Torture is wrong when Fidel Castro does it. It's equally wrong when authorized by Dick Cheney."

Almost spontaneously, close to 500,000 Americans gathered on the National Mall in Washington, D.C. last weekend to protest the officially-sanctioned abuse and demand immediate Congressional action.

As a result, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, with the support of their Republican colleagues, will call the Congress back into session later in August to consider a package of legislation that would outlaw abusive treatment, defund such activities in both the military and intelligence budgets, and impose new criminal sanctions on all U.S. officials and contractors who "engage in, direct or conceal illegal torture and abuse."

A bipartisan drafting group added a provision stating that "it shall not be a defense to a charge [under the Act] that the individual had received an opinion of government or other counsel purporting to justify the conduct in question."

Sen. Joe Lieberman (Lieberman Party – Conn.) explained that the latter phrase was a response to what Reb Joe called the "indefensible" conduct of former Justice Department functionary John Yoo, whose legally-frivolous defense of torture was intended to provide a "get out of jail free" card to CIA officers who knew or should have known their conduct was unlawful.

The Bush Administration, perhaps sensing the public mood, carefully kept the President in Beijing watching athletes run around.

Locally, reports Spy Correspondent Bella Whiner [I thought Nollie was supposed to get the quotes – City Ed.][She's on Nantucket with her husband, the Publisher – Ed.], area residents are shocked by the reports of grave governmental misconduct.

"Sure, gas is expensive and I might lose my house, but this just makes me sick," said Mrs. Kathleen T. Burke of Old Sludgebury. "I'm so upset, I can't even think of going to Foxwoods."

Mayor James X. Burke interrupted his traditional three-month summer vacation on Lake Winnepesaukee to issue a statement condemning the torture and asking all Old Sludgeburians to contact their Congressmen and Senators.

Perhaps the public mood was best summed up by former White House and current Schlox News sleazeball Karl Rove who said on the Tuesday edition of Schlox Around the Clock: "There are many things that divide us as a nation, but we can all agree that outrages such as torture and cruelty are fundamentally incompatible with American values."