Oh, the humanity – is my mike on?

Disasters won't
stop GOP party 

By David Bloviator
Political Editor
with M.T. Hearst in New Orleans

ST. PAUL, Minnesota – Republican party spinmeisters have stated that they will cancel the first day of their convention due to Hurricane Gustav, except for guest appearances by Stepford Wives Cindy and Laura, but plan to restart the party Tuesday morning notwithstanding a passel of other even more serious disasters.

According to unindicted GOP supremo Karl Rove, the cancellation of the first day had everything to do with Republican heartache over the calamity once again visited on New Orleans and nothing to do with Republican desire to pretend that George Bush and Dick Cheney had fallen off the face of the earth.

"Our hearts are overflowing with sympathy for the poor Negroes of New Orleans, although they of course volunteered to live in an unsafe area," Rove told the Spy. "In light of this catastrophe it would be inappropriate to hold a full day political rally attacking Barack Hussein Obama for being a dangerous radical white-hating Muslim."

Rove promised the thousands of Caucasian crackpots and plutocrats gathered in St. Paul that the GOP attack machine would rev up full force on Tuesday. In the meantime, the woman believed by Republicans to be the most qualified American to occupy the Oval Office should their sickly 72-year-old presumptive nominee buy the farm, Alaska Gov. Sarah "Grandma" Palin, roused the gathered faithful with a moving address.

"It is raining very hard and it is very windy down there.  I hope they have laid in stocks of caribou meat and whale jerky until the sled dogs can bring in supplies," she said. The cosmopolitan Governor also promised that her family would lead a snowmobile relief convoy to the stricken areas containing over 10,000 shotguns and 250,000 rounds of ammunition so starving evacuees could feed themselves by shooting wild boar, possums and squirrels. "I've been told that wild boar is almost as delicious and nutritious as my favorite, polar bear."

The hard-partying Republicans intend to resume their merry-making later this week, undeterred by other human catastrophes for which they bear partial or complete responsibility.  

Among the disasters that will not prevent the Republicans from launching a thousand thinly veiled attacks on the patriotism and religion of Democratic nominee Barack Obama and his "baby mama" Michelle are

• the 4 million Iraqi refugees who have fled their homes and in many cases their nation to avoid being massacred;
  
• the million Darfur refugees suffering from continual attack, rape, pillage, malnutrition and exposure;
  
• the 57 million insured or underinsured Americans who lack access to adequate health care and whose next illness could force them out of their jobs and homes; and
  
• the threat to all life on Earth represented by human-caused global warming and the contumacious efforts of the Bush Administration to deny the existence of the problem and prevent any credible effort to ameliorate its dire impacts

Why are the Republicans choosing to disregard these disasters while turning themselves into Bush-choking pretzels over Hurricane Gustav? It's simple, according to Rove.

"You don't have hundreds of cable news nitwits standing around in ethnically cleansed Baghdad neighborhoods or inner city emergency rooms," Rove explained. "Out of sight, out of mind, moron."

Meanwhile, in New Orleans, the situation remains extremely grave, reports Spy correspondent M.T. Hearst. In an email message to the Spy from her hotel room at the JW Marriott [They still won't comp the room – Ad Mgr.], Hearst said: "The city is a disaster area. I walked from one end of the French Quarter to the other and there wasn't a single open restaurant or bar. It's so-o-o-o boring!"

Asked to survey the damage at street level, Hearst texted: "Are you out of your mind? It's mad raining out there. I'm not getting soaked for you a**holes. Tell my husband Billy [Spy Chairman William R. Hearst] to call a Netjet and get me out of here."