August 28

Dear Dairy,

You could have knocked me over with a moose nut when I got the call from some McCain guy telling me that John McCain had chosen me – a good ol' hockey mom from Wasilla – to be his Vice President! I asked if I could speak to Mr. McCain personally to thank him but I was told it was his naptime.

They had asked me all sorts of nasty questions last week and I had to tell them that Bristol had a bun in the oven but they said that was great because it showed my family values but would the father of the child marry her? So I said Todd would shove a shotgun up his ass and pull the trigger if he didn't and they said OK. I didn't tell him that I almost gave Bristol the hiding of her life but since Levi was such a burnin' hunk I had to admit I could understand why she put out. Maybe I should have told her about handjobs. 

August 29

Dear Dairy,

What a day! First they sent this jet to pick me up and all of the rugrats and Todd and take me to some place in Ohio or something. It wasn't as nice as Frank's jet that I sold for big bucks on eBay (I think, I can't quite remember all the details because I'm a "big picture" kind of gal!), but it was pretty sweet. Todd was grumbling because they didn't have any cold Buds for the flight but I told him he would just have to suck it up for a few hours.

Then when I got to Ohioville (or whatever!) I got to meet the McCains.  John is a sweet old man who gave me a big hug and told me he was "blinded by the headlights." He reminded me of the guy who used to live up that dirt road in the single wide and make hatracks from moose antlers. Who was it? An uncle of Todd's I think. But his wife Cindy is a bee-yatch. She looked at me with those slitty little eyes like hands off my man.  I almost said I'm not interested in your wrinkly old prune but then I took pity on her. I mean if I was a shriveled up flat chested old hag (like Cindy!) I'd be worried about a bombshell like me alone on a bus with her husband.

September 2

Dear Dairy,

Here I am at this great big party and I have to stay with Todd and the rugrats in this hotel room and practice reading this hot speech they wrote for me about how Obama is a scary Muslem guy from Arbonesia and he's too hoity-toity to talk to regular Americans like me. Speaking of regular Americans, Todd's been in a better mood since he asked one of the McCain guys if he could arrange for a case of Bud and they said Cindy's got about 5 million gallons and so we got a whole keg!

They made us fly Bristol's boyfriend in for my speech so of course I haven't seen either one of them, although you can sure hear the room shaking! Oh, to be 17 again! Maybe if Todd would cut back on the hunting juice a little we could show them how it's done.

September 4 (I think!)

Dear Dairy,

I just had the best night of my life! Well, next to prom night of course, but at least this time I got to keep my clothes on! They loved me and I read the speech really well and didn't muss up any of the words. Some of them were acting kind of surprised that I could read in front of a camera, like I'm some hick from the sticks, but they forgot who the 6 p.m. sportscaster was on Anchorage's News Leader in 1985!  

After the speech it was still only 10:30 or so so I wanted to go out and have a few pops with everyone but they said no, no I had to stay in the suite and I said nobody tells me what to do, I've skinned moose with my bare hands and they said OK you can go out there and when some guy from NBC puts a mike in your face and asks you about that state trooper, what are you going to say?

So I stayed in the room and listened to Bristol and Levi mattress dancing. I was hoping it would give Todd some ideas but he was too busy watching Extreme Fighting on the pay-per- [That's enough Sarah for one day – Ed.]