It's enough to drive a small businesswoman to . . . 

McCAIN: FEAR OBAMA TAXES

By David Bloviator
Political Editor
with Ann Colt .45 in Sedona, Arizona

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Republican Presidential nominee Sen. John McCain (R – Tailhook), seeking to salvage his plummeting reputation and campaign, has decided to spend the remaining weeks until election day accusing his opponent of driving small business owners into the ground by imposing higher taxes.

He first tried to personalize the issue during his ill-fated third debate with Sen. Barack Obama by claiming to stand up for Joe the Plumber, whose business if not life would be ruined by Obama's plan to restore the Clinton-era top tax rate on individuals earning at least a quarter million a year.

However, it turned out that Joe himself wasn't a licensed plumber, hadn't in fact paid his taxes, earned nowhere near $250,000 a year, and was a member of an extreme wacko libertarian anti-government party, making him a less than ideal poster boy for the valiant small business owner trying to stay afloat.

Now McCain campaign operatives believe they have found a more attractive and personable individual to epitomize the struggling entrepreneur whom, they claim, will be crushed by a 3 percentage point increase in marginal tax rates.

 
Sen. John McCain accused his opponent of seeking to raise the taxes of Cindy the Beer Distributor, an average small business owner

At a speech given at the 3:30 p.m. Happy Hour of the Grouchy Fat White Veterans of America Post 1864 in Sedona, Arizona, Sen. McCain plucked at the electorate's heartstrings with a wrenching tale of the woe that Obama's tax policies would cause to an average Arizona small businesswoman he called Cindy the Beer Distributor.

"If Cindy the Beer Distributor has to pay another $125,000 in taxes, what do you think is going to happen to her business, which slakes the thirst of so many fine Arizonans, like you?  How is she going to make ends meet?"

"My friends, the answers will horrify you.  Her choices are stark. She'll have to raise her prices, so you can say goodbye to your dollar brewskis. Or she could reduce the wages of the various illegal immigrants who work at the warehouse, thereby taking dollars out of the local economy not to mention the economy of Mexico, a vital ally of ours in the war on drugs."

"And speaking of drugs, if she can't afford to pay off [Surely, ask? – Ed.] doctors to prescribe her Percoset legally, she'll have to buy them on the black market or from Rush Limbaugh. And that my friends spells disaster for us all. Because if Cindy has to face an Obama Administration clean and sober, I guarantee you she'll rip everyone around her a new a***hole."

"Finally, she could cut back on her spending.  Do you have any idea how many stylists, colorists, waxers, plastic surgeons, designers, jewelers, chauffeurs, and substance abuse counselors owe their living to Cindy the Beer Distributor? What will happen to them and their families?"

"Just the prospect of those higher taxes is causing her to behave like a total c***," McCain told the drowsy vets.  "Believe me, I know. Did you hear her accuse Obama of taking weapons out of the hands of her son in Iraq? My friends, that was just a taste of what will happen if Obama raises her taxes and those of other struggling small businessmen just like her."

After remembering to perform the smile function, Sen. McCain whined: "And how dare Sen. Obama try to tax Cindy the Beer Distributor into the poorhouse? She inherited that business fair and square! That's what made this country what it is today!"

The Obama campaign conceded that, based on the information presented by Sen. McCain, Cindy the Beer Distributor would have to pay higher taxes on her estimated annual income of $4,200,000.  

Attempts to reach Cindy the Beer Distributor for comment, reports Ann Colt .45 from Sedona, Arizona, were thwarted by gangs of cute gun-toting hunks [Just report the news please – Ed.] guarding the approaches to her Sedona compound. Although they said Cindy the Beer Distributor was unlikely to grant any media interviews, they agreed to meet with this reporter behind the bowling alley at midnight to discuss "availability."

The veterans greeted Sen. McCain's defense of Cindy the Beer Distributor with a rousing chorus of applause and snores. Later, at the Post bar, they agreed that Sen. McCain's invoking Cindy was an effective strategy. Said one: "We're not going to let an extremist terrorist Black Muslim f*** any more white women!"