Upon sober reflection . . .

Bush: "My Work
Here is Done."

Editors' Note: Every Brian, Chuck and Katie wanted to get a farewell interview with President George W. Bush before he slinks out of town [Surely, leaves office? – Ed.], but ol' 43 outfoxed them and chose Spy Political Editor David Bloviator for the first of what will undoubtedly be a series of self-serving whoppers [Surely, historic interviews? – Ed.] conducted in the informal setting of President Bush's Camp David hideaway.

By David Bloviator
Political Editor

It was a relaxed and mellow George W. Bush who graciously consented for an interview and bike ride through the Maryland countryside. We met in the President's den cum gym over a light lunch of cheeseburgers, Fritos, and diet soda. Ever gracious, the President reminded me that the liquor cabinet would remain locked "as long as Laura is around. But just wait until January 21."

I asked the President to reflect on his two terms and sum up his achievements. "Well, Chromedome, you don't mind me calling you that, do ya?" the President began.

 
President Bush believes that his destruction of the once-vibrant U.S. economy will go down in history as one of his greatest achievements.

Assured that his interlocutor was vastly amused by the jocular nickname, the President sat back on his exercise bike and contemplatively chomped on a handful of Fritos [Get to the point, Chromedome – Copy Ed.][Call me that one more time and I'll shove an empty bottle of Chivas – D.B.][Boys, let's get on with this – Ed.].

"Dave, I gotta admit that wherever I look, I know I've made my mark on this great country. When I took office in 2001, America was peaceful and prosperous. Just eight years later, this country is a ruin. That would never have happened without me," the President said.

"Let's face it: I tanked the economy, failed to protect America against the 9/11 attacks, launched a disastrous war of choice in Iraq that sapped our strength and made us the enemy of every Muslim on Earth, failed to achieve victory in the war we had to fight in Guineastan [Surely, Afghanistan? – Ed.], and dragged down the image of America in the world to an all-time low. How many Presidents can say the same thing?"

After sending Josh out to get more ketchup, Bush continued: "And that hardly begins to cover all the disasters that I'm responsible for.  After eight years of stonewalling and outright lying, the polar ice cap is melting beyond repair, which should result in long-term catastrophic consequences for the globe. And it all could have been avoided had I exercised responsible leadership in the effort to combat the reality of global warming."

"And I'm just as proud of my efforts to pollute and degrade the American environment, whether by turning a blind eye to the savage destruction of Appalachia, the plight of endangered species, or the preservation of irreplaceable wilderness areas. Not everyone can claim that he's responsible for this much environmental pollution and degradation."

After spilling some ketchup on his shirt and yelling for Dick to get him a new one, the 43rd President resumed his ruminations: "Speaking of degradation, how about my unconscionable and counterproductive crusade to torture anyone in U.S. custody, thereby trampling U.S. law, international law, and the most basic standards of human decency? Name another President who's gone even half as far as me when it comes to pointless cruelty! Just try," he gibed.

"And just look at the Middle East! Who removed the only counterweight to Iranian expansion? Who forced the Palestinians to hold elections that turned the Gaza Strip into a terrorist black hole? Who spent a trillion dollars and caused the deaths of thousands of Americans and still failed to catch a ragtag band of al-Qaeda terrorists who masterminded the 9/11 attacks? W., W., and W.!"

 
Bush told the Spy: "If you want to see my legacy, just go to Arlington! Or Walter Reed!"

Asked what he was most proud of, President Bush said, "It's got to be the atrocious mess that I've made of the American economy. My successful promotion of tax cuts for the rich, incompetent or absent regulation, and reliance on stale free-market theology have led to America's current plight, just like hamburgers and beans lead to – well, you know."

His cackling subsiding, the President said: "And don't forget that my reckless tax cuts and spending have not only tanked the economy, they've saddled future generations with the burden of paying for my foolish choices. I don't care how smart that that basketball player thinks he is, he's not going to be able to do a damn thing to revive the economy or provide services to those in need. All thanks to me!"

I asked him if he had any regrets. He replied, "Of course I have a few. I wasn't able to destroy Social Security or Medicare, as hard as I tried. However, I'm confident that my failure to adequately fund these programs will lead to their collapse in just a few years."

"But the important thing is this: whatever I touched, I ruined. I inherited a proud, prosperous, peaceful country that stood unchallenged in the world and in eight short years destroyed its economy, reputation, standing, and military and economic power. Maybe there have been Presidents who can say the same in one or two areas, but name another who ruined so much and attained so little. Stumped? I thought so."

"As I ride off into the sunset, I rest assured knowing that I've done all I could to wreck this once-great land. Now Josh, bring on those Twinkies and let this party begin!"