Victory, where was't thou?
GOP
PONDERS
ITS FUTURE
By David Bloviator
Political
Editor
with Ann Colt .45 in Wasilla, Alaska
WASHINGTON, D.C. – As the Capital prepares
for millions bent on celebrating the inauguration of President Barack
Obama, the diminished Republicans look for a path that
would lead them out of the political wasteland. The GOP, still reeling from the loss of at
least eight Senate and twenty House seats, combined with the loss of
formerly solid Republican states such as Indiana and North Carolina,
has tasked its best minds to come up with a plan to recapture the glory
they knew during the halcyon days of the Bush Administration.
Republican
strategists blame their poor showing on President
Bush's
record-shattering unpopularity and the financial meltdown that
threatens to plunge the world into a new Depression. Therefore,
top GOP'sters, including rising stars such as Alaska Gov. Sarah
"Grandma" Palin and Louisiana Gov. Bobby "Counter-Reformation" Jindal,
insist that the Republicans should concentrate on the core principles
for which their party is famous. According
to these insiders, Republican success rests on a three-legged stool:
Stupid Crap, Dumb Shit, and Utter Rot. Each has a vital role
to play in any Republican resurgence, they argue. Stupid
Crap. "Stupid Crap is at the core of what it
means to be a Republican," said highly leveraged animal abuser Wilfred
M. Romney of Massachusetts
Michigan
Utah
New Hampshire. In the category of
Stupid Crap Romney, current
co-holder of the Spy's Douchebag
of the
Year Award, places the economic and fiscal policies that have
brought
this country to the edge of ruin. "Budget busting tax cuts
for the rich, deregulating large corporation so they are free to
destroy the global economy and pollute the environment –
this is the kind of
Stupid Crap that we need to emphasize if we are to return to our
rightful status as America's permanent majority party," Romney said. Dumb
Shit. The popularity of Gov. Sarah Palin
demonstrates to influential Republicans that a Dumb Shit [Surely, Dumb Shit?
– Ed.] can excite the electorate.
In an exclusive interview with the Spy's
Ann Colt .45,
Gov. Palin expounded: "What is Dumb Shit? It's what
we call up here in Alaska good ol' small town values. By the
way Ann, you really shouldn't let that hair fall all over your face
like that. It looks like you've been tweaking." The latest GOP superstar said: "When you think
of Dumb Shit, you think of
preventing high schools from teaching contraception while celebrating
illicit unprotected sex that leads to bastards being raised by
17-year-old mothers. Dumb Shit? You betcha." "And
let's not forget that abortion thing
because it's so important that women should control their own bodies
and I'm a woman and I ought to be able to control your body." Gov. Palin also cited anti-immigrant hysteria,
injection of fundamentalist Christian doctrines into public schools,
and protecting the rights of mental patients, degenerates, criminals,
and wife-beaters to purchase guns no questions asked at "gun shows" as
other vital aspects of Republican Dumb Shit. Utter Rot. Creepy
adulterer Rudy Giuliani, the
other winner of the Spy's
2008 Douchebag
of the Year Award, insists that any Republican revival must
be based on
Utter Rot. This category,
according to the beloved father and former NYC mayor, includes invading
countries we don't like to prove that we can push people around and
when that tactic blows up in our faces blaming those who counseled
against such military adventures in the first place. "It's
important to peddle the Utter Rot that we are this
close to victory in Iraq and
therefore anything bad that happens after January 20 is the sole fault
of radical redistributionist Barack Obama and his adviser Rev. Wright,"
Giuliani insisted. Giuliani also
urged Republicans to campaign on violating international law
and standards of decency by torturing any poor bastard turned over to
U.S. forces by anyone claiming that the person had aided an insurgent
group and then using specious claims of national security
to prevent the American people from learning about
U.S.-committed war crimes. "It's
also a vital part of Republican Utter Rot to lump together various
insurgencies and terror groups who may have nothing to do with and in
fact loathe each other into a single undifferentiated mass of
'Islamofascists.' That way, it's impossible to make
fact-based distinctions between such groups or turn some of them to our
side, as Gen. Petraeus did with Sunni insurgents in Iraq," Giuliani
said. Finally, he stressed the
urgent need to violate the constitutional rights of Americans
and assert, contrary to the text of the Constitution and 200-plus
years of tradition and jurisprudence, that the Executive has an
untrammeled right to do whatever the hell it wants as long as
it claims that it is acting in the interest of national security.
"That's the absolute core of Utter Rot," Giuliani concluded
before leaving to join his former consigliere
Bernie Kerik for an "important client meeting" at Scores. How does the Republican Party choose among
Stupid Crap, Dumb Shit, and Utter Rot in planning its comeback?
The answer, according to influential Republicans: it doesn't.
Although the current outlook is bleak, master political
strategist Karl Rove radiates arteriosclerosis [Surely, optimism?
– Ed.]:
"The Republican Party, if remains true to its core principles of Stupid
Crap, Dumb Shit, and Utter Rot, will come back bigger and better than
ever. Have I ever steered them wrong?" | 
