Editors' Note: Every so often, we receive a dispatch from the planet Zontar located in the far-off Remulac system. Sometimes the communications from these alien life forms are little more than gibberish – like the one about a moose-skinning beauty queen who thought she was qualified to be Vice President – but other times events in that distant world bear a surprising, and possibly amusing, resemblance to developments right here on – [Nobody's amused yet – Ed.]

GOP legislators sickened
by excessive pay  . . .

BANK BAILOUT
IN TROUBLE

By Samuel Insull
Financial Editor
with Bobby Baker in Washington

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The Bush Administration's effort to deal the recession a one-two punch has apparently come a cropper on Capital Hill, despite the outgoing President's tireless efforts.

Bush had hoped to follow up his big win on bailing out the struggling auto makers with an even bigger rescue package for tottering banks and brokerage firms, but influential Republican legislators are balking on the grounds that the CEO's of these firms are making too much money.

"It's one thing to protect the livelihoods of hard-working auto workers who seek only a reasonable chance to enjoy the level of middle-class security that we Senators take for granted," said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R – Kentucky).

But Sen. McConnell distinguished the plight of factory workers from that of the lions of Wall Street "who paid themselves hundreds of millions of dollars in bonuses for driving the world financial system into the ground."

Outraged GOP legislators want to know why U.S. bankers earn so much more than their Japanese competitors

House GOP leaders were equally blunt. "How can we ask blue-collar workers to bail out the Wall Street banks when their senior executives are making tens of millions of dollars a year?" asked House Minority Leader John Boehner (R – Ohio).

At last week's hearings, Republican lawmakers grilled a panel of Wall Street chief executives. "Why is it," asked Rep. Peter King (R – New York), "that the CEO of the Mizuho Bank of Japan makes about one-tenth of what you make, but you are here requesting hundreds of billions of taxpayer dollars to clean up your mess?" The target of his wrath, Citibank CEO and former busted hedge fund manager Vikram Pandit, could only fiddle with his Harry Winston sold-gold cufflinks.

The scandal of excessive Wall Street compensation has placed in jeopardy any bailout package for major investment and commercial banks, notwithstanding the predictions of doom if any major financial institution files for bankruptcy. "One more of these babies goes t***-up and we're f***ed," said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, urging the House of Representatives to stop dithering and pass the bank bailout package.

But her Republican colleagues were unmoved by her blunt appeal. "I think we need these banks to go through bankruptcy and dump those shocking multi-million dollar pay packages that these plutocrats have awarded themselves before coming to Washington for taxpayer dollars," said Sen. Richard Shelby (R – Ala.). "How can American financial institutions compete against Japanese and European rivals when the senior executives are siphoning off hundreds of millions of profit every year?"

The Republican intransigence is especially notable in the face of an unprecedented full-court press by the Bush Administration. According to White House staffers, Bush has told his team that he (and they) will be working "24/7" to resolve the crisis.  He's even moved cots into the West Wing and paid for midnight pizzas for his exhausted aides.

White House spokesmodel Dana Perino, haggard from sleeplessness, told the press corps that no one in the White House minded working hard "because everyone knows that President Bush is working harder than any of us. He is literally a human dynamo."

Bush, who might be expected to be taking it easy in the waning days of his Presidency, has personally contacted or called every Republican Senator and over 200 Republican Congressmen, including those who will leaving Washington for retirement and/or criminal sentencing. "He called me at 1 a.m. the other night and he sounded fresh as a daisy," marveled Sen. Ted Stevens (R – Bu. Pris. No. 15757). "I stand in awe of his passion, his energy, and his commitment.

 
President Bush, aware of the gravity of the financial crisis, has suspended all White House T-ball events for the duration.

The President, while agreeing that Wall Street compensation is out of control, has told wavering Republicans that the crisis is too grave to delay action on a bailout package. He has also promised a number of Republicans that he will leave his successor, President- elect Barack Obama, a detailed action plan for addressing excessive salaries and bonuses. White House sources say that when Bush is not on the phone with legislators on in strategy sessions with his staff and Treasury experts, he is personally taking charge of developing that action plan.  "Every page bears his stamp," said Chief of Staff Josh Bolten.  

To assist him in this critical hour, the President has summoned to the Oval Office experts of all political stripes to provide him with their most objective, unvarnished advice. Aides say that the President listens carefully and asks challenging, astute questions that demonstrate his grasp of high finance, credit markets, and macroeconomics.  

He has also reached out to foreign leaders at all hours of the day and night. "He insisted on calling British Prime Minister Gordon Brown first thing in the morning. He meant morning in London, which is 3 a.m. in Washington," said Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice. "This President understands the need for coordinated international action."

But as the end of the year and the Congressional session grows closer, Capital Hill pundits wonder whether President Bush's seemingly inexhaustible reserves of energy and commitment will be enough to turn the tide.  "Even someone as able and as determined as President Bush can do only so much," said the Spy's Political Editor David Bloviator. "If Republican legislators dig in their heels on the bank bailout due to their anger over Wall Street pay packages, what can the President do? Send them to Guantanamo Bay?"