Volume CCXXXII, Number
22 June, 2002
Page 3
| The RearGuardian \Bleating articles | |||||
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The RearGuardian Founded in Manchester, England in 1832 by people much cleverer than you for those in need of political, economic and moral instruction. Who will teach these bloody Jews a lesson? The civilized world, from Highgate to Islington, remains shocked, horrified and appalled by the spectacle of armed Jews invading the sovereign authority of Palestine in alleged "self-defense" against "terrorism." These Semitic brutes actually had the temerity to bring their death-dealing tanks onto land that didn't belong to them, supposedly in response to some suicide bombings. But as Professor Nigel Lushwell of Rumphouse College, Cambridge, states: "There can be no claim of self-defense by the Jews, because the attackers -- the bombers -- are already dead. Therefore, the invasion of Jenin must be regarded as the most heinous example of naked aggression since Kuwait -- the American invasion, that is." Professor Lushwell added, before dozing off, "In fact, one can argue that Britain is still the mandatory power in the West Bank and therefore the Israeli should be taking their orders from us." When will these vicious Israelis listen to the wisdom of those who been properly educated? And who will stop them? Not those crazy Americans who wear cowboy boots and use verbiage like "varmint." The only solution is for morally enlightened commentators like ourselves to whine the Israelis into submission. Time to face the reality of teenage sexuality Those less enlightened than ourselves, including Tories, Americans and Catholics, fail to appreciate the reality -- indeed, the beauty -- of teenage sexuality. But we understand the yearning of young men (and women, too) for sexual release. Sometimes these young men are delightfully new immigrants to our shores, especially from Middle Eastern and South Asian countries. Anyone who has encountered these lads in the gents' loo of a railway station understands that they too are entitled to a sexual life, and to the tenner than accompanies it. Yet even now the voices of "morality" threaten criminal sanctions against those who assist the entry of these nubile brown-eyed youths into the delights of adult sexuality. These narrow-minded self-appointed censors should stay out of our bedrooms, our railway stations and the storage closet behind the eighth-floor editorial department refectory. |
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Julie Munchill:
Israeli women could use some enlightenment, from yours truly | | |
Women of the world, oppressed as they are by the calls of dominating males telling them to wash their hair, lose 20 pounds and shave their legs, need to express their solidarity as frequently as possible and preferably after seven or eight rounds of drinks. So it was in this spirit of international solidaritat that I attended a party at the Israeli Embassy last week. I was shocked and horrified by what I found. First, they expected their guests apparently to die of thirst, as there was nothing to drink except some warm white wine. | Women, you can't struggle against the male enemy without a few doubles! When I attempted to reach out to one of the shabbily-uniformed women by sharing feelings about the cruel Israeli occupation of Palestine, I was rudely rebuffed. My attempts to share common experiences of womankind over some Irish whiskey at my flat were similarly and summarily turned away. I concluded that Israeli women have much to learn about the plight of women -- and I have so much to teach them! |
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Chris Jammin: What's all this I hear about terrorism? | |||||
There's a lot of sloppy thinking coming from Israeli apologists (and their insufferable yahoo American friends) who claim that children blown up at a disco or a supermarket are somehow victims of "terrorism." We didn't hear much whinging from them when British soldiers were victimized by Jewish terrorists not far from those supermarkets and discos. Everyone knows that attacking armed British soldiers occupying lands where they are unwanted is the vilest form of terrorism. | This is true whether done by cheeky Jews in Palestine, filthy Irishmen in Dublin or insurgent colonists at Lexington and Concord. The British soldier is the guardian of civilization and any attack on him is an abomination. Chris Jammin is the former Junior Minister for Colonial Affairs in Ireland, Cyprus, Hong Kong, Palestine, India and the Falkland Islands, among other selfless acts of service. | ||||
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Many thanks to the Islington Friends of Hamas for their lovely fund-raising drinks party last week. We raise over 50,000 pounds sterling for relief of these brave fighters, enough for 100 pounds of plastic explosive. It was a lovely afternoon and you can be sure the Zionist occupiers will be feeling the results soon. |
It did my Jewish heart good to see on the Beeb Jews and Palestinians working together at a rally in Washington, D.C. This is surely the path to peace: Arab and Jew alike agreeing to wipe out the Zionist entity so that peace and justice can prevail at long last in the Middle East.
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I TOLD YOU THE WINE AT BUFFY'S WEDDING TASTED LIKE GASOLINE Archer-Daniels-Midland Co. . . for years has been quietly buying surplus European wine that is turned into ethanol for the U.S. market -- taking advantage of subsidies on both sides of the Atlantic. -- The Wall Street Journal, April 25, 2002 at A4. |