Tom Cruise

Not too long ago he was box office gold, the idol of millions, and the vanquisher of Thetans and their engrams. Maybe the public could swallow the "happy marriage" to fembot Katie Holmes, but one thing it can't abide: a series of stinkers. Who guessed that no one wanted to see Tom Cruise in some tedious claptrap about arms dealers? Surely not the same geniuses who green-lit Cruise's star turn as Count von Stauffenberg, who tried to blow up Hitler. Now there's a plot that speaks to the 14- to 21-year-olds who buy, what, 98% of all movie tickets? Unless Tom changed the ending, we're guessing that this Christmas Day bomb will do to his career what the Count's couldn't do to Schickelgruber.  

The American investor

Remember how you listened to all that advice about how you could put aside enough for retirement by building a diverse portfolio of stocks, bonds, and commodities? It worked great – if you retired in 2006 and died in 2007. If you started saving in say, 1998, you've made exactly zilch in the last ten years. It's no wonder that anyone trying to build a nest egg this year felt an affinity for the turkey behind Sarah Palin that was stuffed into the slaughter funnel. At least you didn't invest your entire life savings with Bernie Madoff or Marc Dreier. You did? Shame on you for buying into that anti-Semitic canard about how good Jews are with money.

Tila Tequila

Being dumped by MTV from her cheesy bisexual dating show in favor of twins named "Ikki" must have come as quite a shock to Myspace.com's first and likely last celebrity. Maybe if she spent less time boozing and flouncing around, she could have mastered some basic arithmetic, like counting out the 15 minutes of her now-vanished fame. It's not her fault that she's the most repellent and unsavory media presence this side of Loofah King Bill O'Reilly. Well, actually it is, but we, like every reality show sleazebag, are sick of pounding away on her. What's up for the diminutive slagger? Maybe she can squeeze out a few nightclub promo deals in Vegas – hell, if the Kardashian sisters can con the marks into paying a $200 cover, Tila's got to be worth maybe $12 to $20 with two free drink tickets. If not, the only pickle she'll be holding will be the one that goes on the Whopper Deluxe. 

Ex-Sen. John Sununu

There were any number of poster children for the Election Day calamity visited by the voters on Bush Republicans. We chose John because Liddy Dole's got a lot of money and Ted Stevens a nice vacation cabin in which to await his surrender date, and because we were subjected down here to an endless stream of nasty, sleazy attack ads financed by big right-wing money warning that his opponent would, gasp, tax the rich to better the lives of all. But what will become of poor John? He may find, like the voters of his state denied heating oil assistance by John's solid support of reactionary Republican policies, that it's cold out there. He might also find out what his equally loathsome father learned years ago: the worst place on Earth is next to a Bush you served loyally. Our guess: John will latch on to some Republican "charity" devoted to flogging the virtues of enriching the rich and tormenting the poor. For the despicable Sununu minor, it shouldn't be much of a stretch.