Not easy being green . . .

St. Pat's parade
causes trouble

By Bella Whiner
Stylized Life Editor

OLD SLUDGEBURY, Mass. – The annual St. Patrick's Day gay pride parade, scheduled for today, has once again been wracked by controversy over the exclusionary policies of the parade's organizers.

For the eighth year in a row, the organizers have refused to allow a local contingent of drunken Irishmen to join the festive procession, regarded by many locals as a cherished tradition and an occasion for good old fashioned politicking with drag queens.

These booze-soaked old Sons o' the Green sued unsuccessfully to march in Old Sludgebury's St. Patrick's Day Gay Pride Parade

This year, as in past years, the excluded tipsy Irishmen sued the parade organizers in Superior Court, claiming that the organizers' decision violated their constitutional right to march, drink and vomit in public. "It's St. Pattie's Day, for Chrissake," explained Johnny "Whacko" Kilroy, owner of Ralphie's Bar and retired police sergeant.

Kilroy was joined in his lawsuit by Johnny "Beano" Magee, Johnny "Knocko" McGillicuddy, Johnny "Loonie" O'Leary, Johnny "Nutso" Ryan, Johnny "Barfy" Reilly – [That's enough plaintiffs – Ed.], a shaky old rummy who gave his name only as "Whitey," and two sots who either couldn't remember their names or were unable to vocalize them.

However, Superior Court Judge Rockwell "Rock" Hudson denied the drunkards' request for a temporary restraining order, saying: "If the gay leaders of our community do not want to associate with a bunch of broken-down old barflies, that's their decision. The parade is a private matter."

Parade Captain David Pierce said that the local gay community isn't prejudiced against Irish alcoholics, but does not believe that their presence would be consistent with the parade's goals. "The parade is intended to be a wholesome celebration of gay pride and musical theater.  We don't want impressionable young children to be exposed to the disgusting spectacle of superannuated inebriated Hibernians urinating, vomiting, and in some cases defecating along the parade route."

The parade, expected to draw a crowd of over 50,000, features many family-friendly attractions, including marching bands representing the United States Navy, the Old Sludgebury YMCA, and Smith College, and for the first time this year a float featuring the charismatic hosts of basic cable's "What Not to Wear."

"Can you imagine what would happen if some hammered old Irishman puked all over Clinton and Stacy?  It would be a total hot mess," said Parade Planning Committee Chair Lawrence Craig.

Parade organizers said they had to protect honored guests like Stacy and Clinton from projectile vomiting and other alcohol-related outrages (Photo: © Discovery Communications LLC)

"It's bad enough that one Irish lush can marry another and enjoy full civil rights," Craig said. "But I don't want my children to be subjected to indoctrination into the ways of alcohol abuse."

The decision to exclude the wretched old Irish sots has put honorary Grand Marshal Rep. Barney Frank in a difficult situation. His office tells the Spy that the Congressman is expected to beg off, claiming he is too busy in Washington ripping the CEO's of America's leading financial institutions "new a******s."

After a few rounds of beevos at Ralphie's, the disappointed dipsos vented their spleens and what remained of their livers. "It's a f****n' disgrace," said Knocko McGillicuddy. "I served my city for six months until I fell on that patch of ice outside the fire station and had to retire 30 years ago on a tax-free disability pension, and now I can't even march in the St. Patrick's Day Parade."

"These f****n' c**********ing f********s, they're so intolerant," moaned Barfy O'Reilly, before frantically wiping his crotch, saying, "I think it's beer. F*****d if I know."

The lawsuit was filed following the breakdown of months-long negotiations between representatives of the gay and the drunken Irish communities. At the outset, hopes were high that the discussions would prove, um, fruitful because they were mediated by an organization with deep roots in both communities: the Archdiocese of Old Sludgebury.